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Author Topic: joke spam  (Read 71058 times)

Head Hunter

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #135 on: August 18, 2009, 05:20:46 PM »

I cant find where the sarcasm ends and where the racism begins haha

Must not get the joke?
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Re: joke spam
« Reply #136 on: August 18, 2009, 06:19:50 PM »

To:
 
John Hinckley



From:
 
Mrs. Nancy Reagan
 
 My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.
 
The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
 
Best wishes, Nancy Reagan & Family

 
P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.


I cant find where the sarcasm ends and where the racism begins haha

Sarcasm
Still Sarcasm
Retard

There is no racism.... Just because it says, "Barack Obama", doesn't make it a racist joke. In this gag they were reffering to the current president...
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #137 on: August 19, 2009, 09:42:48 AM »

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you  in awhile. What happened? You look terrible.'

               'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

             Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

               Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon
               ball, but I'm fine now.'

               Bartender, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to
               your hand?'

               Pirate, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into
               a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook.
               I'm fine, really.'

               Bartender 'What about that eye patch?'

               Pirate, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of sea-gulls flew
               over.  I looked up,,, and one of them shit in my eye.'

               'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from bird shit?'

               Pirate, 'It was my first day with the hook.'
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Ultimate embarrassment, running into a wall with a boner and breaking your nose first.

*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #138 on: August 24, 2009, 06:06:37 AM »

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners... On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says " Come Again"... The blonde says "No, it's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch".
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #139 on: August 27, 2009, 06:55:34 AM »

1. The sport of choice for the
Urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING

3 The spo rt of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisorss BASEBALL

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And.......

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, The smaller your balls become.
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #140 on: September 01, 2009, 02:26:06 PM »

A notable gynaecologist once said,

"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.

It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental."
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*MAFIA* MAGGOT

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #141 on: September 05, 2009, 06:44:25 AM »

Bestiality time yes?

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
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"At some point in their lives, 1 in 6 children will be abducted by the dutch." ~The fact core, Portal 2.

*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #142 on: September 08, 2009, 06:49:58 AM »

Yes /\

The World's Shortest Books:
 
 
                             ______________ ______________ ____________
 
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
 by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated  by Michael Moore
______________ ______________ ____________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENT S &
HOW I HELPED AFTER  KATRINA
by  Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
______________ ______________ ___________

THINGS I  LOVE ABOUT BILL
by  Hillary Clinton 
______________ ______________ ____
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill  Clinton
______________ ______________ _______
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by  Osama Bin Laden 
______________ ______________ _______
THINGS I  CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates 

______________ ______________ ________
THINGS I  WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman   
______________ ______________ _____
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by John Kerry
______________ ______________ _________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
______________ ______________ ______
ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O’Donnell 
______________ ______________ ________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
______________ ______________ ______
THE AMISH  PHONE DIRECTORY
______________ ______________ ___________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
______________ ______________ ________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
______________ ______________ _______
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction
by the Rev. Jesse Jackson

*******************************************************

AND, JUST ADDED:
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy  Pelosi
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #143 on: September 11, 2009, 07:00:11 AM »

A boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'   

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.  We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 



'You got Male!'
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #144 on: September 14, 2009, 09:33:31 AM »

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's
opened by a little ten year-old boy (Misfit) who has a lighted cigar in on hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

                Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"
                Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"
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LOOPTROOP

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #145 on: September 18, 2009, 05:20:52 AM »

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed:

A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake

-----------------------------------------------------------
Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...

So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!

This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...
But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...
« Last Edit: September 18, 2009, 05:25:23 AM by *MAFIA* LOOPTROOP »
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Loaded

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #146 on: October 03, 2009, 10:07:22 AM »

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky pilot in his F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?


The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'
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*MAFIA* Meeester

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #147 on: October 08, 2009, 06:32:40 PM »

Three guys go down to Mexico one night, get drunk and wake up in jail. They find out that they're to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am a priest and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens; so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am an attorney and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.

Figuring the law is on this guy's side, they let him go. The last one is strapped in and say's "I'm an electrical engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires." God rest his soul.
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #148 on: October 12, 2009, 06:41:56 AM »

"Groans I"

 
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.
 
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it
turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
 
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
 
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
 
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little
behind in his work.
 
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.
 
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was
cited for littering.
 
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
 
9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.
 
10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
 
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. 
The police are looking into it.
 
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. 
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'
 
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. 
Then it hit me.
 
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
 
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken
to a hospital.  When his grandmother telephoned to
ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
 
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
 
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he
just didn't have the balls to do it.
 
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium, at large.
 
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper
spray is now a seasoned veteran.
 
21. A backward poet writes in-verse.
 
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism
it's your count that votes.
 
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of
religion.
 
24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
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*MAFIA* MAGGOT

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #149 on: October 12, 2009, 10:33:33 AM »


 
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.
 


so cheesy
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