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[*MAFIA* Meeester]

STL approach: "United 283 best forward speed to the marker, you're number
one."
United 283 (male): "Roger, balls to the wall."
STL approach: "American 132, you're number two behind a 737, follow him,
cleared visual, best forward speed."
American 132 (female): "Well I can't do 'balls to the wall' but I can go 'wide open'."
-Radio silence-
Unknown Pilot (male): "Is American hiring?"

Had to read through it twice to understand it lol.

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor:  "What happened?"

Woman:  "Doctor, I don't know what to do.  Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor:  "I have a real good medicine for that.  When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it.  Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman:  "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!  Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea..  I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

Doctor:  "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.  She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

Don't worry about that', says St.  Peter, 'it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
 

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my God', says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

Not to worry', says St.  Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

I can't do this', says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there', says St.  Peter.  'You 'll be raped and sodomized.'

'Maybe so', says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes drilled for that. 

[*MAFIA* Dune Surfer]

Wayne Rooney's clocked doing 120mph. The officer asks him why he was driving in such a hurry. Wayne says he got a call saying John Terry's car is parked outside his house.

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old time’s sake.
 
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
 
He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing a little reassurance, he asks, “How am I doing?”
 
The prostitute replies, “Well, old Timer, you’re doing about three knots.”
 
“Three knots?” he asks.  “What’s that supposed to mean?”
 
She says, “You're knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”

[*MAFIA* Scooby]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old time’s sake.
 
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
 
He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing a little reassurance, he asks, “How am I doing?”
 
The prostitute replies, “Well, old Timer, you’re doing about three knots.”
 
“Three knots?” he asks.  “What’s that supposed to mean?”
 
She says, “You're knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”

Misfit?

[Renegade]

Misfit?

own ?

[*MAFIA* MisfiT]

own ?

I don't much care for this reference.

[Renegade]

butterscotch ?

[Loaded]

How I learned to mind my own biz...

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were chanting: '13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks so I looked through to see what was going on?

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'

[Renegade]

try saying schnapps while you are drunk... it's funny as hell

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred (Nitro), and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been any bigger than a AAA battery.. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred Nitro replied.

She ran out of the room.

[*MAFIA* Meeester]

"It's swollen," Fred Nitro replied.

She ran out of the room.

Oh god...lol

[Irish Bomber]

A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.
The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."

"And?" prompted the doctor.

"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick."

"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

********************************************************

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a
change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN:  I voted for a bridge in 2006 so the chicken could cross safely.
You can actually see the other side of the road from my house.

JOE BIDEN: The chicken went to the other side of the road because...
(Continued on pages 2-30.)

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified
to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the
chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about
me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black
chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before
it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but
we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can
see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any
insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay,
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like
the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as
plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of
eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never
crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?