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[*MAFIA* Hellraiser]

********************************************************

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a
change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road.

SARAH PALIN:  I voted for a bridge in 2006 so the chicken could cross safely.
You can actually see the other side of the road from my house.

JOE BIDEN: The chicken went to the other side of the road because...
(Continued on pages 2-30.)

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified
to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the
chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about
me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black
chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before
it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but
we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can
see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any
insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay,
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like
the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as
plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of
eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never
crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

  That is to much to read!!!!!!!!!

[*MAFIA* Scooby]

  That is to much to read!!!!!!!!!

Here you go.

[Thunder]

Haha I liked the Pat Buchanan one.

[*MAFIA* Scooby]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in Front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. Any questions, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "One hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job," Harry replied.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty quid is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops a HUGE smooth and very beautiful penis!

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."She runs back to Harry.

"What's wrong?" he asks, "Any chance you could lend this guy seventy bucks?!"

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3:45 p.m. when he found the
Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in
his  hand.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very Sensitive And Important
Document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on,
inserted  the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

[Irish Bomber]

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3:45 p.m. when he found the
Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in
his  hand.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very Sensitive And Important
Document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on,
inserted  the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Boooooo! I hear this lame copy crap in my office every day....Is it possible for you to do better?

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

Boooooo! I hear this lame copy crap in my office every day....Is it possible for you to do better?

I don't know.  Why don't to read the previous 13 pages then render an opinion oh mighty joke czar.   

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

A SCOTSMAN (Dune?) walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says..

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd
 know that's a sheep, Not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, You'd realize I was talking
 to the sheep."

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

Last week, I (Mean Green) checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit
 lonely.. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in
 phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
 
 I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy
 calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical
 skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the
 right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six
 pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well
 oiled butt.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give
 him a call.

  "Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my God, he sounded sooo sexy!
  Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I
 hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give
 me one. No, wait, I should actually be honest with you. I'm in town all alone
 and what I really want is hot, steamy sex. I want it hard, I want it exciting, and I want
 it now. You can even bring all of the implements you want... toys, rubber, leather, whips, chains, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night long if you want -you can tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"
 
The voice on the other end says, "Oh my God, lady... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you actually need to press 9 for an outside line."

[*MAFIA* Dempy]

Last week, I (Mean Green) checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit
 lonely.. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in
 phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
 
 I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy
 calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical
 skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the
 right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six
 pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well
 oiled butt.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give
 him a call.

  "Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my God, he sounded sooo sexy!
  Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I
 hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give
 me one. No, wait, I should actually be honest with you. I'm in town all alone
 and what I really want is hot, steamy sex. I want it hard, I want it exciting, and I want
 it now. You can even bring all of the implements you want... toys, rubber, leather, whips, chains, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night long if you want -you can tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"
 
The voice on the other end says, "Oh my God, lady... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you actually need to press 9 for an outside line."

wait, what thats just how misfit said it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN

When George  Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, Oprah asked,'  Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.'

Mr. Burns said, 'I just  take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'

Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'

George said,  'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.'

Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?'

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have never been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'

George said, 'The second time is even better than the first  time."

Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the  first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'

George said that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes.'

Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'

George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.' 

[Thunder]

While that was a funny joke, it has a MAJOR hole in it. No straight man would ever, and I mean EVER, want to have sex with Oprah.

[offline]

While that was a funny joke, it has a MAJOR hole in it. No straight man would ever, and I mean EVER, want to have sex with Oprah.

Maybe he is not straight?

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

A man (EasyCompany) was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... She spent the next
hour just rubbing his testicles ...
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because ... She Replied ....
"Sometimes I Really Miss Mine"

[*MAFIA* Hellraiser]

While that was a funny joke, it has a MAJOR hole in it. No straight man would ever, and I mean EVER, want to have sex with Oprah.

  You are very wrong my friend.  I, myself would have sex with Oprah.  She is rich and I can get past the looks for some money.  Even if it was about 20k.