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[*MAFIA* Manowar]

Dear Noah,
          We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
          Sincerely,
          Unicorns
           
          Dear Twilight fans,  (Balthazar)
          Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood
          pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
          Enjoy fantasizing about that.
          Sincerely,
          Logic
           
          Dear Icebergs,
          Sorry to hear about the global warming . Karma's a bitch.
          Sincerely,
          The Titanic
           
          Dear J.K. Rowling,  (Dempy)
          Your books are entirely unrealistic.. I mean, a ginger kid with
          two friends?
          Sincerely,
          Anonymous
           
          Dear Yahoo ,
          I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo it!"  I'm
          just saying......
          Sincerely,
          Google
           
          Dear 2010,
          So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black?
          WTF happened?!
          Sincerely,
          1985
           
                     
                   
          Dear Osama Bin Laden,
          Marco....
          Sincerely,
          United States
           
          Dear World of Warcraft,  (CP)
          Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
          Sincerely,
          Parents Everywhere
           
          Dear Batman,
          What was your power again?
          Sincerely,
          Superman
           
          Dear Global Warming,
          You're the best imaginary friend ever!
          Sincerely,
          Al Gore
           
          Dear Ugly People,
          You're welcome.
          Sincerely,
          Alcohol
           
                   
          Dear World,
          Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there
          Because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy
          ok?
          Sincerely,
          The Mayans
           
          Dear Snooki,
          GET BACK TO WORK!
          Sincerely,
          Willy Wonka
           
          Dear iPhone,
          Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words.
          You piece of shut.
          Sincerely,
          Every iPhone User
           
                     
          Dear Trash,
          At least you get picked up...
          Sincerely,
          The Girls of Jersey Shore

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

An old flame...
 
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everyth ing is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off.

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

A Cowboy walked into a drug store in Waco, Texas and asked to talk to a
 male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as
she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.

 She then asked if she could help him. The cowpoke said that it was
something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male
pharmacist.
 
 The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional,
 and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident
 that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalis m.
 
 The cowboy then agreed and began by saying ....... "This is tough for
 me to discuss, but I have a .... Permanent Erection. It causes me a lot of
 problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could
 give me for it."
 
 The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
 
 When she returned, she said "We discussed it at length, and the absolute
 best we can do is as follows:
 
 One-third ownership in the store
 
 A company pickup truck
 
 Two home cooked dinners a week
 
 And $3,000 a month in living expenses."

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

A man from St Andrews , Fife buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant..

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure,
Brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.
 

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers .
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
______________ ______________ _______
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
______________ ______________ _______
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
______________ ______________ _______
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
______________ ______________ ______
My personal favorite
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
______________ ______________ _______
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
______________ ______________ _______
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
______________ ______________ _______
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
______________ ______________ _______
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206.. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience) : "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
______________ ______________ _______
While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[*MAFIA* Meeester]

Always love those kind of control conversations.

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
 
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are
off to Italy tomorrow.  I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
 
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.
 
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but
comfortable compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
 
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine
inspection.
 
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
 "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
 
 
"I see," the captain says.
 
 
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing
me."  "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

Green Bay Packers Question     
 

 
     After the Packers v. Bills game,  Buffalo released quarterback Trent Edwards.

During the Packers v. Eagles game, the Packers injured  Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb.

Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.

During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick 
 
     and another backup was needed.
 
After the Packers v. Cowboys game,  Dallas fired Wade Phillips.

After the Packers v. Vikings game,  Minnesota fired Brad Childress.

Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach,  Mike Singletary, was fired and replaced.
 
During the Bears playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears
to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie.

 
 Question:

Is it just me, or did the Packers create more jobs than Obama last year?

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

Dad (we'll call him Jim, a wealthy man from Texas)  buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son (we'll call him Kevin), where were you today?"
The son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!"
"What dvd?"
"Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
Dad yells "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!"
Robot then slaps the dad! Mom (we'll call her MG) laughs
"HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son."
Robot (you must have guessed we'll call him Misfit)then slaps the mom!!!

[*MAFIA* Meeester]

the deceiver

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

Dating -

WHITE WOMEN: 
 
First date:
You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: 
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third  date:
You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.
 
 

IRISH WOMEN: 
   
First Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: 
You both get blind drunk and have sex. 
20th  Anniversary:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
   
 
   
ITALIAN WOMEN: 
   
First Date:
You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. 
Second  Date:
You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. 
Third  Date:
You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring. 
5th  Anniversary:
You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex. 
6th  Anniversary:
You find yourself a Mistress. 
 

CHINESE WOMEN: 
 
First date:
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: 
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date:
You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen. 
 

INDIAN WOMEN: 
 
First date: 
Meet her parents.
Second date: 
Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: 
Wedding night. 


BLACK WOMEN: 
 
First Date:
You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. 
Second  Date:
You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. 
Third  Date:
You get to pay her rent. 
Tenth  Date:
She's pregnant by someone other than you. 

MEXICAN WOMEN: 
 
First Date:
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have
sex in the back of her  car.
Second  Date:
She's pregnant.
Third Date:
She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip. 

JEWISH WOMEN: 
 
First Date:
You spend all your money to impress her.
Second  Date:
You take a loan to keep the image
Third Date: 
You're broke, she finds someone wealthier 
   

 
ARAB  WOMEN: 
 
First Date: 
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles,
Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: 
You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.

(No third date)


The POINT? 
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE  IRISH WOMEN?

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

    The State Trooper
 
    A state  trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
 
    He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
 
    He carefully  approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young
 
    man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately
 
 
    Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps
 
    on the driver's window. The young man lowers his  window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
 
    The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'
 
    The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

    Pointing  towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And
 
    her, what is she doing?'
 
 
    The young man shrugs:  'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
 
 
    Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a
 
    lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!
 
 
    The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
 
    The  young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
 
    The trooper asks:  'And her.... what's her age?'
 
    The young man looks at his watch and replies:
 
    'She'll be 18 in 11  minutes...'

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

 Something to offend everyone

______________ ______________ ______________ __________
 
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.
I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”
______________ ______________ ______________ __________
 
Wife says to husband, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to
work, we can get rid of the second car.”
He replies, “If you take it up the ass and let me cum on your face, we can get
rid of the nanny!”
______________ ______________ ______________ __________
 
What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn’t claim benefits,
had his own fucking bike , and wanted to go home!
______________ ______________ ______________ __________
 
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked
my wife after only five beers!”
______________ ______________ ______________ __________
 
Got this text from my brother recently.
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
______________ ______________ ______________ ____________
 
* Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the
front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
______________ ______________ ______________ __________
 
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up
for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense
when you
hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
______________ ______________ ______________ __________
 
My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.
”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when
you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
______________ ______________ ______________ __________
 
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a g irl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
______________ ______________ ______________ ___________
 
The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think
about me?” Apparently “ Only to stop myself from coming too quickly ”
wasn’t the right answer.
______________ ______________ ______________ __________

[Twisty]

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

An Italian MaMa
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

 

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son
Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:
Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.