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[*MAFIA* Meeester]

Lol...

[*MAFIA* BassSlappa]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't ! I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here"
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again.
 

HAHAHAHAHA

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They
won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
 
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, And
tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
 A few days later,the woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's
causing the spots.

The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem.
But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in
the waiting room?'

The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'

Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.

[Head Hunter]

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They
won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
 
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, And
tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
 A few days later,the woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's
causing the spots.

The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem.
But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in
the waiting room?'

The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'

Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.

LOL, that actually took me a second.

[*MAFIA* Meeester]

NEED MOAR JOKES

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an advert in the paper which outlined her requirements.

She wanted a man who:
1. would treat her nicely.
2. Wouldn't run away from her.
3. Would be good in bed.

Then one day, she heard the doorbell ring and answered it. On the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

The man says: "I'm here about the advert you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

The lady says: "Yes, but are you good in bed?"

The man asks: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

[*MAFIA* BassSlappa]

haha heard that one before but still funny as hell.

[*MAFIA* MAGGOT]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators ...

[*MAFIA* OUTLAW]

that was a good one maggot 

[*MAFIA* MAGGOT]

HORSE

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

 
Someone out there
is deadly at Scrabble..
(Wait till you see the last one)! 

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN: 
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


ASTRONOMER: 
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:  When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:  !
When you rearrange the letters: 
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: 
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE  :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters: 
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:   
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters: 
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT: 
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES: 
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO: 
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: 

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

[Mean Green]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, ‘surely, I can’t look that old’?

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist and I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balking, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Fairview High School.

“Yes, yes I did! I’m a Bulldog” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1975, why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely
 then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat-ass, gray-haired, decrepit, son of a bitch asked, “ What did you teach?”

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.


The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, thePriest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. 'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch ever since you got here.'

[*MAFIA* Meeester]

Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?

"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."

Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife. Makes me kind of immortal.

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes  '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy  , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME '

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

   Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
        Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
       
        When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
        Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
       
        His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
        Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
       
        When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
       
        The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
        Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
       
        "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
       
        "That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses".