Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

THREE DOGS AT THE VET...
  Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said >> " So why are you here ? "
The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.... the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "
" Gonna cut my balls off " came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ?"
The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.   
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.
" Looks like I'm losing my balls too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here?
" I'm a humper,"  said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a  pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. 
I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, they are gonna cut your balls off too, huh ?"
The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The redneck nodded in acknowledgment .
As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?' 
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts!'

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

Once upon a time there were two brothers.  One brother was very miscschievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good.  He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life......

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.  The evil brother became aheavy drinker and a womanizer.  The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died.  Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.  He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy after life.  One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother?  He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life,  so he is not spending eternity here in heaven.  He has been sent elsewhere ."
I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again.
"You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench.  In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing.  I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a  beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it.  The blonde doesn't."

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.     

  I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.     
     
 A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in Louisville, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.     
 
 You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.     
 
 A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
 I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache".     
 
 Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook.
 I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!     
 
 Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... 
 "I hope the  porn channel in my room is disabled." 
 To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”         
 
 ! The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large
plastic garbage bags behind her.
       
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
       
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
       
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back
and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
       
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the Golf course. 
On Golf days, a lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.  It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
       
So, now,  I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
       
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!  Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
       
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays.

[[X]-TasY`]

Anti-joke time.

Q. What's the best thing about having sex with forty-two year olds?

A. They've been around a while and know how to make a man feel good

[*MAFIA* Malbert]

Anti-joke time.

Q. What's the best thing about having sex with forty two year olds?

A. They've been around a while and know how to make a man feel good

Actually two year olds haven't been around awhile, they're kind of young; oh yeah and you are some perv to post that Xtasy, especially talking about having sex with FORTY of them. Who votes to label Xtasy "The Perv"?

[*MAFIA* Scooby]

I think he may have been referring to Mean Green from about 20 years ago. I'm sure Misfit enjoyed it.

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating shelled peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned
to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's' date said he
could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down,
then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to
blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
  The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law.'

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

The Mexican Maid
 
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Se?, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did" 
Wife increasingly agitated:
"Oh he did did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Se?...... The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.
Little Harry raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Harry, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Harry said: 'Well, I walked into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm coming!'  If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The Nun fainted!   

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford...
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft
drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there
is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the
most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

 
 A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Montreal.
 
 It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings. 
 
"Mom"  said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" 
 
"They're  waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied. 
 
The taxi driver turns around and says "Lady, why don't you tell  him  the truth?

They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.." 
 
The  little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?" 
 
His  mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. 
 
After  a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"
 
"Most  of them become taxi drivers" she said.


     

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

Hunting Story

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?' 

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.


Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly '
 

[*MAFIA* Meeester]

was a good'n