THE MAN TEST
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach,
you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough
beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time
doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet ... Faggot.
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog,
but queer -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches
itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws,
and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a
dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over
here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a
cat ... 'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus,
you're pitched, you're so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or
any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A
straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw
oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything
else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or
piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual
relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he
defecates and urinates where he pleases ... ( HA !!!!)
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee,
you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will
never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If
you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've
had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors
or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and
custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A
real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to
remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or
you know what a 'fressier' is; you're gay. And
if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or
denim, you are poofter.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it,
you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts
both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to
cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand
to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his
beer.
