*MAFIA* Forums
Miscellaneous => Spam => Topic started by: *MAFIA* Manowar on August 21, 2008, 06:11:57 AM
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Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'
Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . .. please advise.'
The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they car ry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
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Where the hell do you get all these jokes?
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Where the hell do you get all these jokes?
Most of them are from e-mails.
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Just spam from the front page, but I found this funny as hell
Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way. On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it. He is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core. He asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window.
After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said he had looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit him in the eye. So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says that he was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head! Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach lauging his head off! The three ask him what's so funny? The man replies, I farted and that building exploded!
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THIS HEADQUARTERS REQUIRES NO PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM. Everyone here gets enough exercise:
1) Jumping to conclusions.
2) Flying off the handle.
3) Carrying things too far.
4) Dodging responsibiliti es and
5) Pushing their luck.
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TWO GUYS IN LOWE'S
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.
The young guy say s, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The old guy sa ys, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs , and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra..What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'
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An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."
The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.
One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."
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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million!"
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
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2009 Raiders schedule and rules
GO RAIDERS!
September
13.... Taft Junior High School
20.....Cub Scout Troop #101
27.... Oakland Blind Academy
October
04.....Spanish American War Vets
11.....Cripple d Children's Home
18.... Oakland Mental Hospital
25....Girl Scout Troop # 353
November
01... Oakland Venereal Disease Clinic
08...Fraser Boys Choir
15....Korean Amputees
22... National Hospital Pastoral Ministers
26... San Francisco Synchronized Swimming Team
SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME
December 08............ ...... San Francisco Gay Boys Club
RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR **
1 - When playing polio patients, the Raiders must not disconnect knee braces.
2 - When playing the Blind Academy , the Raiders must not hide the football under their jerseys.
** RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR **
1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line. For all you Raiders fans that have never seen this) it is still worth 6 points.
2 - The Raiders will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
3 - The Raiders will be allowed to substitute with band members at anytime.
4 - The Raiders will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the opposing team.
5 - The Raiders will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual 10 yards.
** NAME CHANGE **
The Oakland Raiders will be changed to the "Oakland Tampons" as they are only good for one period and have no second string.
** PLAYER CHANGE **
Field goal kicker will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won't choke on the big ones!!!
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Two fleas from Canada had an agreement to meet every winter in Yuma for a vacation.
Last year when one flea gets to Yuma , he's all blue, shivering and shaking, nearly froze to death!
The other flea asks him, 'What happened to you?'
The first flea says, 'I rode down here from Regina, Saskatchewan in the moustache of a guy on a Harley.'
The other flea responds saying, 'That's the worst way to travel.
Try what I do. Go to the Plains Hotel Bar in Regina, have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice snowbird, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of.'
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Yuma , he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Nearly froze to death.
The second flea says, 'Didn't you try what I told you?'
'Yes,' says the first flea, 'I did exactly as you said ... I went to the Plains bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young snowbird came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.
When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley.
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As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its
employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and
Therapists ETC. And in this case a new Urologist for me.
My family Doctor just recently referred me to a just out of medical school
female urologist.
I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as
unbelievably sexy. She told me that I must stop masturbating.
I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you......"
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As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its
employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and
Therapists ETC. And in this case a new Urologist for me.
My family Doctor just recently referred me to a just out of medical school
female urologist.
I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as
unbelievably sexy. She told me that I must stop masturbating.
I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you......"
(http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/7389/image001zq7.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
Hahahahaha .............. .............. .... good one Manowhore !!
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An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'
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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of
Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, The man said: 'Father .... During World War II, a beautiful
Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and
asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you
did, and you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what
you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under
those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
I do have one more question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?''
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THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '$390,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $2,950,000' for it.
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $2,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $150,000 if it's really a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
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______________ ______________ ___________
Subject: Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened inNew York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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The Soldier and the Nun
A soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later." The nun agreed.
A moment later two military police ran up and asked, "Sister have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.."
The nun said she understood completely.
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs."
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either."
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one on the front that made me think of beatle.
A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
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Just for Bone....
Marriage
The first man married a woman from KENTUCKY. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from GEORGIA. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he
didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from TEXAS. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
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Just for Bone....
Marriage
The first man married a woman from KENTUCKY. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from GEORGIA. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he
didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from TEXAS. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
That just goes to show you why Texas has the most lesbians in the US. No guy in his right mind wants to marry any of them. They are just good for a few nights, then you have to let them go!
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They are just good for a few nights, then you have to let them go!
Hellraiser practices catch and release in hunting and Snatch and Release in dating.
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Just for H-Raiser:
Top Ten Rejected Valentines....
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
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A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a west African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age,a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about trying the African string-and-weight procedure?
"The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, but it's turned black."
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LMAO :laugh:
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lol..actually laughed out loud. ;D
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I laughed too lol.
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misfit finally has his dream a small black penis :)
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The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.
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Perfect description... of the ObamaNation. Just sayin'
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Perfect description... of the ObamaNation. Just sayin'
For someone who makes $250 an hour from tax's you seem to moan about them alot. Is it because the zero button keeps wearing out on your calculator :D
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If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angel s wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberr ies.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Land ers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A... Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
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For someone who makes $250 an hour from tax's you seem to moan about them alot. Is it because the zero button keeps wearing out on your calculator :D
You say that, but you aren't living in the Obamanation, now are you? :P
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You say that, but you aren't living in the Obamanation, now are you? :P
It must weigh down on you hard huh? LIke you have to pay taxes, your only 15 :laugh: Obamas only been president for a month now its not his fault Bush fucked up your economy.
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mg will soon cry when her money is worthless. rofl
i know what you mean duny baby
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David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why
there are no black NASCAR drivers:
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN
NASCAR........ ......
#1 -They can't wear their helmets sideways.
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Racist
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so are you...
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It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."
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LOL Maggot
I've got a similar one.
God says to St. Peter: "OK we've got 30 Gipsies that have died and are arriving today I want you to go to the Pearly Gates and let only 10 of the best of them in and thats it"
St. Peter comes back an hour later saying "I don't understand it, they've all gone?"
God says "All 30 of them?"
"No, The Pearly Gates"
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Airline Announcements?
United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '
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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
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'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
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'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......e xcept for that gentleman over there.'
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
****************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry i f I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
-
In South Los Angeles , a fourplex was destroyed by a fire.
A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.
One white couple lived on the top floor.
The couple survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA, met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
The fire chief said,
"Simple--- they were away at work."
-
In South Los Angeles , a fourplex was destroyed by a fire.
A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.
One white couple lived on the top floor.
The couple survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA, met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
The fire chief said,
"Simple--- they were away at work."
That is fucking great!!! I love it!
-
Bloke says to his buddy "I got so wasted last night. Drunk 12 cans of Stella, was totally skint so I came home and had another Stella"
Buddy goes "How? I thought you said you were skint"
"Its not that, my dogs called Stella"
-
Bloke says to his buddy "I got so wasted last night. Drunk 12 cans of Stella, was totally skint so I came home and had another Stella"
Buddy goes "How? I thought you said you were skint"
"Its not that, my dogs called Stella"
I honestly have no idea what this means......
-
I honestly have no idea what this means......
He was so wasted he did his dog?
-
He was so wasted he did his dog?
I should have guessed you would know.
-
I should have guessed you would know.
http://doggonethongs.webs.com/ (http://doggonethongs.webs.com/)
-
THE MAN TEST
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach,
you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough
beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time
doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet ... Faggot.
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog,
but queer -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches
itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws,
and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a
dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over
here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a
cat ... 'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus,
you're pitched, you're so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or
any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A
straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw
oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything
else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or
piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual
relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he
defecates and urinates where he pleases ... ( HA !!!!)
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee,
you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will
never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If
you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've
had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors
or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and
custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A
real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to
remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or
you know what a 'fressier' is; you're gay. And
if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or
denim, you are poofter.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it,
you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts
both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to
cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand
to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his
beer.
-
Kojak sucked lollypops but most of those are true.
-
I got #7 wrong... :-*
-
Rodney Dangerfield said:
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I knew a girl so ugly... they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
LAST ONE:
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.
-
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1) No mind.
2) No business.
-
What are two reasons why men Ricardo doesn't mind his own business?
1) No mind.
2) No business.
-
THE AIRPLANE CONVERSATION
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He
soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold,
she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. The Annual Sexual
Education Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen,
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded "I use my
experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really!," he said. "What myths are
those?"
"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men
are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth
is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover
in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I
don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me
Bubba."
-
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised, the administration rejects your request for
the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen
visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your
shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,
such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double =2 0 shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you
have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two
suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
-
Some Tommy Cooper 1 liners:
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '
'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.'
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'
A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'
'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said, 'You are.'
'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
so he gave me a kite.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.
I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
-
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
-
Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,
"Excellent trade, sir."
-
This middle aged couple want to put some excitement back into thier sex life.
So the woman says why don't we take a bath and and play submarine like we used to.
He says ok.
So they get in there and she says "How can we play submarine if u can't raise your parascope?"
-
So they get in there and she says "How can we play submarine if u can't raise your parascope?"
That's no joke, It's Hawaii 50 on saturday night. ahahahah
-
lmao
ok now i cant eat anything the next months cause i have perv pics in my head, thx manowar
-
This middle aged couple want to put some excitement back into thier sex life.
So the woman says why don't we take a bath and and play submarine like we used to.
He says ok.
So they get in there and she says "How can we play submarine if u can't raise your parascope?"
faggot
-
faggot
i love u 2
-
i love u 2
queer
-
queer
weird
-
fuck it all go slit your wrists "EVERY1"
-
Finally! -- a Blonde GUY Joke!
Blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?' he says. 'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says: 'Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!' The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. 'You rotten bastard,' says the husband, 'my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!'
-
What's common between men and video?
Both go backward ... forward ... backward ... forward ... backward ... forward ... stop and eject.
-
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.
She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
‘Now. Tell HIM you have a fucking headache.’
-
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.
She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
‘Now. Tell HIM you have a fucking headache.’
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
-
Dickhead
-
A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake
-
H-e
E-asly
L-ikes
L-ittle
R-aghead
A-ssholes
I-nside
S-hit
E-nlarged
R-ectums
-
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't ! I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here"
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again.
-
Lol...
-
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't ! I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here"
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again.
HAHAHAHAHA
-
A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They
won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, And
tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
A few days later,the woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's
causing the spots.
The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem.
But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in
the waiting room?'
The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'
Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.
-
A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They
won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, And
tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
A few days later,the woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's
causing the spots.
The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem.
But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in
the waiting room?'
The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'
Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.
LOL, that actually took me a second.
-
NEED MOAR JOKES
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an advert in the paper which outlined her requirements.
She wanted a man who:
1. would treat her nicely.
2. Wouldn't run away from her.
3. Would be good in bed.
Then one day, she heard the doorbell ring and answered it. On the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
The man says: "I'm here about the advert you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
The lady says: "Yes, but are you good in bed?"
The man asks: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
-
haha heard that one before but still funny as hell.
-
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators ...
-
that was a good one maggot :)
-
HORSE
-
Someone out there
is deadly at Scrabble..
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
-
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, ‘surely, I can’t look that old’?
My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist and I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balking, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Fairview High School.
“Yes, yes I did! I’m a Bulldog” he gleamed with pride.
“When did you graduate?” I asked.
He answered, “In 1975, why do you ask?”
“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely… then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat-ass, gray-haired, decrepit, son of a bitch asked, “ What did you teach?”
-
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. '
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'
Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'
'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, thePriest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. 'You may say two words today.'
'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.
'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch ever since you got here.'
-
Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife. Makes me kind of immortal.
-
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes '
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
' ME '
-
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses".
-
Jewish Divorce
A Jewish woman says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Norm! All he wants is anal sex,
and my ass hole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it
used to be about the size of a nickel."
Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi- millionaire businessman,
you live in an 8 bedroom mansion,
you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance,
you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all
that away over 45 cents?"?
-
Subj: Gynecologist Assistant Opening Available..... .............. .............. .
A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida and sees a notice advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Somewhat interested, he steps up to the counter. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The employment officer sorts through his files and replies, "Oh yes here it is. The job entails your getting the ladies ready to be examined by the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, carefully wash their private regions, apply shaving foam and gently shave off the pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's exam. There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles due west of here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?"
"No sir, that's where the end of the line is."
-
101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
-
i cant believe i read every single one of those just to see if they were all the same as this other list of 101 ways to annoy people i saw before.
they were all the same.
-
i cant believe i read every single one of those
I still can't believe it's not butter
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says: "What the fuck is your problem! I said I needed a hand saw!"
The other guy says: "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another one.
The bartender says: "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martini's all night long - but you got to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I will know it's time to go home!"
-
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?" ::)
-
Ahahah sounds like me /\.
==================================================================
Confucius Say:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
-
lol ^^ what do you call a little mexican?
a paragraph, cuz he's not quite an ese :-*
-
lol ^^ what do you call a little mexican?
a paragraph, cuz he's not quite an ese :-*
Fuck You Greengo.
-
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.
No fee, Chen Lee.
-
Lol.........
-
Pretty good. That actually made me smile a bit
-
this is the worst one i've seen on the home page:
Yo momma is so gassy, she started global warming!
and a funny one:
What did one gay sperm say to the other?
How do we get out of this shit?
and another funny one:
A young boy asks his dad: "What's the difference between theorectically and realistically?"
"Well son, go and ask your mother if she would sleep with the postman for $1million ..."
The little boy asks his mum and then goes back to his dad: "She said yes ..."
"Now go and ask your sister if she would sleep with the milkman for $2million ..."
The little boy asks his sister: "She said yes, but whats the difference between theoretically and realistically?"
"Well son, theorectically we are sitting on $3million ... realistically we are living with a couple of slags!"
-
Dave was attending his biker club's monthly meeting and had just told
them
he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his
wife wouldn't let him go.
After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow
biker buddies, Dave left to go back home to his wife.
When Dave's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who
should
be there but Dave sitting in front of his bike, tent up, beer in hand,
camp
oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to," was Dave's reply.
"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a
beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered
my
eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful
see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me
to the
bed and you can do whatever you want."
"So here I am!"
-
I actually laughed out loud Manowhore.
-
Group Therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he
observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "You're obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This
too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea
what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and
go get dinner."
-
I Nigger, a jew and a mexican walked into a bar. The bar tender say's "GET OUT!"
-
I Nigger, a jew and a mexican walked into a bar. The bar tender say's "GET OUT!"
fucking clint eastwood.
-
fucking clint eastwood.
That was around LONG before that piece of shit movie came out. I hate that guy.
-
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. The speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, the speaker says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
He slapped her.
-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA ..
-
Old joke.
(Insert old age joke here)
-
I know this has been posted before, but
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJlPEHL85Ig&feature=related
-
Only in Texas my friends... Only in Texas
A lawyer -MISFIT- runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer Video Production Noob from Austin and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy' s expense.
The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer -MISFIT-.
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Then the lawyer -MISFIT- says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'
The lawyer -MISFIT- says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.
-MISFIT- says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the -MISFIT- and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
-
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Casper the ghost?
Casper can go through walls.
hella messed up lol.
-
'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
My dad told me that one a few years ago, I laughed my ass off.
-
A Chinese man rings his boss and says: Me sick I cann`t come to work.
The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"
-
A Chinese man rings his boss and says: Me sick I cann`t come to work.
The Boss says: "when I am sick, I fuck my wife ... try that?"
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: "Me better now you got a nice house!"
Way to fuck up a perfectly good joke.
-
wtf are u talking about, i got it from the front page NOOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
Only in Texas my friends... Only in Texas
A lawyer -MISFIT- runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer Video Production Noob from Austin and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy' s expense.
The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer -MISFIT-.
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Then the lawyer -MISFIT- says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'
The lawyer -MISFIT- says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.
-MISFIT- says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the -MISFIT- and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
I dont much care for this joke.
-
Did you know:
That ‘race car’ spelled backward says, ‘race car’.
That ‘eat’ is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its own past tense, ‘ate’.
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in ‘illegal immigrants’ and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-fucking, smelly diaper-head bastards with you’.
How weird is that?
-
‘race car’ spelled backward says, ‘race car’.
Same thing with "Go hang a salami Im a lasanga hog"
Add some more letters to that and its "WHAT A FUCKING WASTE OF TIME"
-
(http://img98.imageshack.us/img98/5611/stupiditymv7.jpg) (http://img98.imageshack.us/i/stupiditymv7.jpg/)(http://img98.imageshack.us/img98/stupiditymv7.jpg/1/w604.png) (http://g.imageshack.us/img98/stupiditymv7.jpg/1/)
-
(http://i28.tinypic.com/2u73sw0.jpg)
-
(http://images.zwani.com/graphics/funny_pictures/images/funny-pictures25.jpg)
-
omfg...I am scarred for life after seeing that.
-
omfg...I am scarred for life after seeing that.
I think we just found the new girl for your signature.
-
(http://images.zwani.com/graphics/funny_pictures/images/funny-pictures25.jpg)
Likes : Sunset rides on the beach with just my horse.
-
Likes : Sunset rides on the beach with just my horse.
LMFAO,
Her Results: Eharmony.com
Matches Found: 0
-
The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"
"John," the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp nowdays, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, Aye Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ....."
-
This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"
The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"
---------------------------------------------------
A husband buys his wife a car for Christmas ...
"I don't like it" she says, "I want one that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a bathroom scale and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"
-
The School of MAFIA
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Hellraiser says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here and rub myself. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Hellraiser can open his mouth, Beatlejuice says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Beatlejuice , you can go home."
Hellraiser is mad that Beatlejuice answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Hellraiser can open his mouth, Roshan says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Roshan, you can go."
Hellraiser is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Hellraiser can open his mouth, Head Hunter says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Head Hunter , you may also leave."
Hellraiser is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Hellraiser says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Hellraiser: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
-
The School of MAFIA
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Hellraiser says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here and rub myself. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Hellraiser can open his mouth, Beatlejuice says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Beatlejuice , you can go home."
Hellraiser is mad that Beatlejuice answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Hellraiser can open his mouth, Roshan says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Roshan, you can go."
Hellraiser is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Hellraiser can open his mouth, Head Hunter says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Head Hunter , you may also leave."
Hellraiser is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Hellraiser says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Hellraiser: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
Lol, nice Whoops.
-
To:
John Hinckley
From:
Mrs. Nancy Reagan
My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.
The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best wishes, Nancy Reagan & Family
P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
-
I cant find where the sarcasm ends and where the racism begins haha
-
I cant find where the sarcasm ends and where the racism begins haha
Must not get the joke?
-
To:
John Hinckley
From:
Mrs. Nancy Reagan
My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.
The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best wishes, Nancy Reagan & Family
P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
I cant find where the sarcasm ends and where the racism begins haha
Sarcasm
Still Sarcasm
Retard
There is no racism.... Just because it says, "Barack Obama", doesn't make it a racist joke. In this gag they were reffering to the current president...
-
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'
Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon
ball, but I'm fine now.'
Bartender, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to
your hand?'
Pirate, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into
a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook.
I'm fine, really.'
Bartender 'What about that eye patch?'
Pirate, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of sea-gulls flew
over. I looked up,,, and one of them shit in my eye.'
'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from bird shit?'
Pirate, 'It was my first day with the hook.'
-
A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners... On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says " Come Again"... The blonde says "No, it's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch".
-
1. The sport of choice for the
Urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3 The spo rt of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisorss BASEBALL
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And.......
6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, The smaller your balls become.
-
A notable gynaecologist once said,
"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental."
-
Bestiality time yes?
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
-
Yes /\
The World's Shortest Books:
______________ ______________ ____________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
______________ ______________ ____________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENT S &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
______________ ______________ ___________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
______________ ______________ ____
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
______________ ______________ _______
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
______________ ______________ _______
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
______________ ______________ ________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
______________ ______________ _____
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by John Kerry
______________ ______________ _________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
______________ ______________ ______
ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O’Donnell
______________ ______________ ________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
______________ ______________ ______
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
______________ ______________ ___________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
______________ ______________ ________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
______________ ______________ _______
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction
by the Rev. Jesse Jackson
*******************************************************
AND, JUST ADDED:
Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By Nancy Pelosi
-
A boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You got Male!'
-
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's
opened by a little ten year-old boy (Misfit) who has a lighted cigar in on hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"
Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"
-
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed:
A ... Almost Boobs
B ... Barely there.
C ... Can't Complain!
D ... Damn!
DD... Double damn!
E ... Enormous!
F ... Fake
-----------------------------------------------------------
Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...
So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!
This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...
But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...
-
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky pilot in his F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'
-
Three guys go down to Mexico one night, get drunk and wake up in jail. They find out that they're to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.
The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am a priest and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens; so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and let him go.
The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am an attorney and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.
Figuring the law is on this guy's side, they let him go. The last one is strapped in and say's "I'm an electrical engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires." God rest his soul.
-
"Groans I"
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it
turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little
behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was
cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken
to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to
ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he
just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium, at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper
spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes in-verse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism
it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of
religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
-
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
so cheesy
-
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:
Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.
-
I had a house beside the sea, but to go to the beach, he had to pass a bar. I have never seen the sea :laugh:
-
I had a house beside the sea, but to go to the beach, he had to pass a bar. I have never seen the sea :laugh:
YOU ARE AN IDIOT!!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!! NO ONE LIKES YOU AROUND HERE!!!!
(http://www.mafiaowns.com/mfs/ih/ricardoisafaggot.gif)
(http://www.mafiaowns.com/mfs/ih/ricardosucksballs.gif)
-
Why does Ricardo keep changing his name? We still know it's you Ricardo and we're not going to hate you any less. Now get the fuck out of here before daddy sees your post.
-
Hellraiser's pictures are the best! Hahahaha.
-
A U.S. Navy Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A Lieutenant said it was 50-50%. An Ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the Captain turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." The room fell silent.
-
I assume there is a person like that at your job Mano? Seeing as you do zero work at all ;)
-
Great Idea, I'll have everybody salute me and address me as Sir. :evil:
-
:o
-
Two Arab mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli
And a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her
purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing."This
is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21"
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".
"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.
"Oh, gracious me ...." Says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.He would be 18", she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastical ly, "I remember when he first started school".
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
They blow up so fast, don't they?".
-
GHOST SEX
A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.
'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Hav e any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Bubba replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats.
-
(http://www.mafiaowns.com/mfs/ih/Pill2.JPG)
-
(http://www.mafiaowns.com/mfs/ih/Pill2.JPG)
LOL
-
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.
Love Dad.
~~~~~~~~~~
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES!
Love Bubba,
~~~~~~~~~~
At 4 the next morning, F. B. I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Bubba.
-
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/2012
-
A teacher asks her class: “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”
She calls on little Dymdez. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot”
The teacher replies: “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Dymdez says: “I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied: “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
To which Little Dymdez replied: “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”
-
Little Dymdez is a fucking baller.
-
Little Dymdez grows up and drops out of high school and becomes a bum. True story.
-
Movie Poll
This math test can predict your all time most watched film, mine was Saving Private Ryan. Try it without looking at the answers. It works!
Pick a number from 1 - 9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3, then multiply by 3 again.
You will get your answer by adding the two digits together to find your all time favorite movie.
Good Luck
It is:
1. Gone with the wind.
2. Aliens.
3. Oliver
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump.
6. Saving Private Ryan.
7. Jaws.
8. Grease.
9. The joy of Anal Sex with male goats & leather clad gay boys.
10. Mary Poppins.
-
lol WTF
-
I picked the number 7, and I ended up with movie #9. Dammit.
-
Old math joke. All answers are nine :)
-
i got mary poppins
-
i got mary poppins
You also only made it to the second grade.
-
You also only made it to the second grade.
I passed kindergarten last week :D
-
This is joke spam. Jokes only Masebot.
-
A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be held against you."
The drunk says:
"Tits."
-
A Mans sat at a bar knocking back whiskies.
Barman says: Your knocking those back a bit quick arnt ya is there something wrong?
Man says: After fifteen years of bliss, the wifes ran away with the fella next door.
Barman says: oh, I am sorry here's one free of charge
Man says: Thanks, its just that I do miss him.
-
She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Little Johnny asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
-
STL approach: "United 283 best forward speed to the marker, you're number
one."
United 283 (male): "Roger, balls to the wall."
STL approach: "American 132, you're number two behind a 737, follow him,
cleared visual, best forward speed."
American 132 (female): "Well I can't do 'balls to the wall' but I can go 'wide open'."
-Radio silence-
Unknown Pilot (male): "Is American hiring?"
-
STL approach: "United 283 best forward speed to the marker, you're number
one."
United 283 (male): "Roger, balls to the wall."
STL approach: "American 132, you're number two behind a 737, follow him,
cleared visual, best forward speed."
American 132 (female): "Well I can't do 'balls to the wall' but I can go 'wide open'."
-Radio silence-
Unknown Pilot (male): "Is American hiring?"
Had to read through it twice to understand it lol.
-
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea.. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
-
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
Don't worry about that', says St. Peter, 'it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.'
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my God', says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'
Not to worry', says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'
I can't do this', says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'
'You can't go there', says St. Peter. 'You 'll be raped and sodomized.'
'Maybe so', says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes drilled for that.
-
Wayne Rooney's clocked doing 120mph. The officer asks him why he was driving in such a hurry. Wayne says he got a call saying John Terry's car is parked outside his house.
-
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old time’s sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing a little reassurance, he asks, “How am I doing?”
The prostitute replies, “Well, old Timer, you’re doing about three knots.”
“Three knots?” he asks. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
She says, “You're knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”
-
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old time’s sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing a little reassurance, he asks, “How am I doing?”
The prostitute replies, “Well, old Timer, you’re doing about three knots.”
“Three knots?” he asks. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
She says, “You're knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”
Misfit?
-
Misfit?
own ?
-
own ?
I don't much care for this reference. :-\
-
butterscotch ?
-
How I learned to mind my own biz...
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were chanting: '13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks so I looked through to see what was going on?
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'
-
try saying schnapps while you are drunk... it's funny as hell
-
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred (Nitro), and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been any bigger than a AAA battery.. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred Nitro replied.
She ran out of the room.
-
"It's swollen," Fred Nitro replied.
She ran out of the room.
Oh god...lol
-
A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.
The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"
"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."
"And?" prompted the doctor.
"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick."
"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."
-
********************************************************
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a
change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road.
SARAH PALIN: I voted for a bridge in 2006 so the chicken could cross safely.
You can actually see the other side of the road from my house.
JOE BIDEN: The chicken went to the other side of the road because...
(Continued on pages 2-30.)
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified
to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the
chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about
me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black
chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before
it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but
we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can
see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any
insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay,
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like
the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as
plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of
eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never
crash or need to be rebooted.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
-
********************************************************
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a
change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road.
SARAH PALIN: I voted for a bridge in 2006 so the chicken could cross safely.
You can actually see the other side of the road from my house.
JOE BIDEN: The chicken went to the other side of the road because...
(Continued on pages 2-30.)
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified
to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the
chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about
me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black
chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before
it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but
we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can
see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any
insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay,
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like
the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as
plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of
eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never
crash or need to be rebooted.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
That is to much to read!!!!!!!!!
-
That is to much to read!!!!!!!!!
Here you go.
(http://i47.tinypic.com/fkzkoj.png)
-
Haha I liked the Pat Buchanan one.
-
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in Front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. Any questions, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "One hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job," Harry replied.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty quid is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops a HUGE smooth and very beautiful penis!
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."She runs back to Harry.
"What's wrong?" he asks, "Any chance you could lend this guy seventy bucks?!"
-
A young engineer was leaving the office at 3:45 p.m. when he found the
Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in
his hand.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very Sensitive And Important
Document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
-
A young engineer was leaving the office at 3:45 p.m. when he found the
Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in
his hand.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very Sensitive And Important
Document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Boooooo! I hear this lame copy crap in my office every day....Is it possible for you to do better?
-
Boooooo! I hear this lame copy crap in my office every day....Is it possible for you to do better?
I don't know. Why don't to read the previous 13 pages then render an opinion oh mighty joke czar. ::)
-
A SCOTSMAN (Dune?) walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says..
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd
know that's a sheep, Not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, You'd realize I was talking
to the sheep."
-
Last week, I (Mean Green) checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit
lonely.. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in
phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy
calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical
skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the
right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six
pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well
oiled butt.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give
him a call.
"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my God, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I
hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give
me one. No, wait, I should actually be honest with you. I'm in town all alone
and what I really want is hot, steamy sex. I want it hard, I want it exciting, and I want
it now. You can even bring all of the implements you want... toys, rubber, leather, whips, chains, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night long if you want -you can tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"
The voice on the other end says, "Oh my God, lady... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you actually need to press 9 for an outside line."
-
Last week, I (Mean Green) checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit
lonely.. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in
phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy
calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical
skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the
right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six
pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well
oiled butt.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give
him a call.
"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my God, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I
hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give
me one. No, wait, I should actually be honest with you. I'm in town all alone
and what I really want is hot, steamy sex. I want it hard, I want it exciting, and I want
it now. You can even bring all of the implements you want... toys, rubber, leather, whips, chains, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night long if you want -you can tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"
The voice on the other end says, "Oh my God, lady... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you actually need to press 9 for an outside line."
wait, what thats just how misfit said it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, Oprah asked,' Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.'
Mr. Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'
Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'
George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.'
Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?'
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have never been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'
George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time."
Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'
George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.
She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'
George said that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes.'
Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'
George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.' O0
-
While that was a funny joke, it has a MAJOR hole in it. No straight man would ever, and I mean EVER, want to have sex with Oprah.
-
While that was a funny joke, it has a MAJOR hole in it. No straight man would ever, and I mean EVER, want to have sex with Oprah.
Maybe he is not straight?
-
A man (EasyCompany) was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... She spent the next
hour just rubbing his testicles ...
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because ... She Replied ....
"Sometimes I Really Miss Mine"
-
While that was a funny joke, it has a MAJOR hole in it. No straight man would ever, and I mean EVER, want to have sex with Oprah.
You are very wrong my friend. I, myself would have sex with Oprah. She is rich and I can get past the looks for some money. Even if it was about 20k.
-
wat really happened to michael jackson three facts 1.he wore the most tightest skinny pants and it cut of his blood line and died.2.when he was remaking thriller a real zombie killed him in the macking.3.he wanted to be skinnier so he starved to death R.I.P mickeal jackson well the world will never know :P
-
wat really happened to michael jackson three facts 1.he wore the most tightest skinny pants and it cut of his blood line and died.2.when he was remaking thriller a real zombie killed him in the macking.3.he wanted to be skinnier so he starved to death R.I.P mickeal jackson well the world will never know :P
However, the world knows you are retarded and everyone is pretty much onboard with you killing yourself and no one caring. Just throwing that out there for ya.
-
wat really happened to michael jackson three facts 1.he wore the most tightest skinny pants and it cut of his blood line and died.2.when he was remaking thriller a real zombie killed him in the macking.3.he wanted to be skinnier so he starved to death R.I.P mickeal jackson well the world will never know :P
My suggestion to you is to do what he did. Die.
-
wow everyone stop being retards it was just a joke calm down anyways why would u even care pff
-
wow everyone stop being retards it was just a joke calm down anyways why would u even care pff
Noone likes you hear!! Leave!!!
-
Noone likes you hear!! Leave!!!
dont really need to
-
Biology Test Today....
I took my biology exam today and failed.
I was asked to name something commonly found in cells.
Apparently Blacks & Mexicans is not the right answer.
-
Biology Test Today....
I took my biology exam today and failed.
I was asked to name something commonly found in cells.
Apparently Blacks & Mexicans is not the right answer.
Good guess. That's what I would have put. Or white trash mother fuckers. I use the term "mother fuckers" literally.
-
Priest Off :evil:
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=64f_1270781261
-
Misunderstandi ng
An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
You have been to France before, Monsieur?' the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'
The elderly gentleman said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
'Impossible' said the customs officer.
'The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France !'
The Man gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained;
'Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any f****** Frenchmen to show it to!!!
-
France owned. + rep :laugh:
-
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.. "Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
-
lol i like that one reloaded..
-
Britain: WTF Iceland?!? Why did you send us volcanic ash ? Our airspace has shut down. Iceland: What ? It's what you asked for isn't it ? Britain: NO! Cash! Cash you dyslexic fuck. CASH! Iceland: woooops...
-
FOOTBALL AND THE
BLONDE CPA......
Football FINALLY makes sense......... ..
A guy took his blonde CPA girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like....Helloo oooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!
-
On his death bed, Earl Woods gave son Tiger the following advice:
"Focus on golf. Fuck everything else."
-
What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
Vagitarian
-
[img=http://img62.imageshack.us/img62/6730/cid123695861517web86702.th.jpg] (http://img62.imageshack.us/i/cid123695861517web86702.jpg/)
[img=http://img21.imageshack.us/img21/2966/cid93695861517web86702m.th.jpg] (http://img21.imageshack.us/i/cid93695861517web86702m.jpg/)
[img=http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/1736/cid113695861517web86702.th.jpg] (http://img219.imageshack.us/i/cid113695861517web86702.jpg/)
[img=http://img227.imageshack.us/img227/2141/cid73695861517web86702m.th.jpg] (http://img227.imageshack.us/i/cid73695861517web86702m.jpg/)
[img=http://img441.imageshack.us/img441/2268/cid63695861517web86702m.th.jpg] (http://img441.imageshack.us/i/cid63695861517web86702m.jpg/)
[img=http://img714.imageshack.us/img714/7619/cid53695861517web86702m.th.jpg] (http://img714.imageshack.us/i/cid53695861517web86702m.jpg/)
[img=http://img46.imageshack.us/img46/7039/cid23695861517web86702m.th.jpg] (http://img46.imageshack.us/i/cid23695861517web86702m.jpg/)
[img=http://img42.imageshack.us/img42/917/cid33695861517web86702m.th.jpg] (http://img42.imageshack.us/i/cid33695861517web86702m.jpg/)
[img=http://img38.imageshack.us/img38/4593/cid43695861517web86702m.th.jpg] (http://img38.imageshack.us/i/cid43695861517web86702m.jpg/)
-
On his death bed, Earl Woods gave son Tiger the following advice:
"Focus on golf. Fuck everything else."
haha nice
-
What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
Vagitarian
Like we all haven't heard that one before...
-
There were two guys (Thunder & his male lover) taking a shower. They were playing with each other and kissing. Then somebody knocked on the door, so one of the guys was like I'm going to answer the door so don't finish without me. So he went to go answer the door when he came their was cum all over the walls, curtains, everywhere. The guy says to Thunder I told you not to finish without me.
Thunder says I didn't.....I FARTED!!!!!!!
-
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night..
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
-
"There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there."
-
"There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there."
Is this suppose to be a joke? It's a great movie.
-
Is this suppose to be a joke? It's a great movie.
Actually, its a joke inside a declarative statement. ;D
-
...it's a declarative statement.
Just like "Irish Bomber is a faggot".
-
Just like "Irish Bomber is a faggot".
somewhat harsh, dont you think?
-
this is a joke spam topic mean green, take your statements elsewhere. you too thunder.
-
Just like "Irish Bomber is a faggot".
Awwww Thunder... did you get your poor wittle feelings hurt..... lmao!
A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up.
The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample".
The man replies "Right so doctor, I'll bring'em by tomorrow"
When he gets home his wife askes "Well what did he say ?"
The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear."
-
I PLAY GOLF ON FRIDAYS….
Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!
Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'
Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
-
I wonder what Cambridge University Netball Team abbreviate their name to?
-
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over
at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What
would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"
HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of
course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why
wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay,
okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You
would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes
audible groan)
WIFE: "Would
you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure,
it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would
you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where
else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would
you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would
you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That
would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would
you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm
sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would
you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes,
those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would
she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No,
she's left-handed."
WIFE: --
silence --
HUSBAND:
"shit."
-
the other day my mates cousin whom has downs syndrome,
walked into the the kitchen at his house and said to is mum "mum mum mum im sorry i had to do it come fast i have to show you"
and his mum said "what have you done"
and the son said "i got him" . the mum looking miffed said "got who"
the son replied the "the troll"
she says "you what you got a troll"
he then says "i locked him up in the shed ill show you but be-careful he is mad"
so they make there way to the shed and open the door and in the shed is a dwarf/midget
then the son says "look see i got one i got him"
the dwarf/midget says "wtf did i do why have u kidnapped me the police are on there way"
well long story straight the son with the downs was going to the shops to buy some stuff for dinner and saw this small man walk by, the son then picked the small man up and locked him in the shed thinking he was a dwarf
later the police turned up and asked what was going so on and so on the mother had to explain about the sons condition
being that some downs can have the power/strength of 6 men
the small man said he will not press charges and has said to the mother and son all i wanted was a fucking lotto ticket
and then said he is scared to go to that shop again and will now shop somewhere else
^^^ true story btw when i heard this i pmsl
roshan/scooby this is a joke thread if you dont like the joke dont read it
jokes only no stupid comments thanks
-
being that some downs can have the power/strength of 6 men
That reminds me of something that the comedian Daniel Tosh said..."A retarded man has the strength of 10 men. Which is the equivalent of one chimpanzee. So if you ever see a retarded chimpanzee, you turn and run. That thing is a borderline superhero."
Seems pretty accurate to me.
-
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the =
veterinarian. She found that the problem was hair in its ears. She =
cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to =
tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should =
go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the =
dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the pharmacy and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the Pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this =
under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The Pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a =
couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, =
I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The Pharmacist says: "Oh, Stay off your bicycle for a week."
-
Charlie, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?"
''They said, 'Good morning, Admiral. Can I get you some coffee, sir?
-
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol- Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration???
Maxine Dempy was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service
-
A
very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere
with her
Stammerers Action group. She had tried every
technique in the book
without the slightest
success.
Finally,
thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell
me the
name of the town where you were born, without
stuttering, I will have
wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes
water. So,
who wants to go first ?"
The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no
use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid,
Hamish.
How about you, Paddy ?
The
Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ".
Brilliant,
Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set
about
living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of
exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused
for
breath and Paddy
said
"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry!"
-
What's dumber than a redhead trying to start a fire under water?
The Blond trying to figure out how she'll put it out.
-
All England games will be moved to the gay adult channel next week. As the sight of 11 arseholes being hammered repeatedly for 90 mins will be too explicit for ITV or the BBC.
-
Want to hear a joke? The English soccer team in the World Cup.
-
Want to hear a joke? The English soccer team in the World Cup.
lol the ENGLISH FOOTBALL team has been in the world cup every time unlike the usa who sometimes get in
-
you two fighting over soccer/"football" is a freakin joke! It is a fag sport! Right next to fencing.
-
lol the ENGLISH FOOTBALL team has been in the world cup every time unlike the usa who sometimes get in
Well, here in America, it is called soccer. So I am technically correct. And the US soccer team (or football, if you prefer) isn't supposed to be a world powerhouse.
-
Well, here in America, it is called soccer. So I am technically correct. And the US soccer team (or football, if you prefer) isn't supposed to be a world powerhouse.
That is right thunder,and England are crap atm... we cound not score in a brothel....
-
That is right thunder,and England are crap atm... we cound not score in a brothel....
I'll give it a "shot" (pun intended) . Is the address 22 Acacia Avenue? mischievous
-
A son siad to his father, Dad, I would like to have a tattoo.
The father told him No, nobody has one in our family ... and you are not having one.
He asked his father, Why not ? All my friends have a tattoo !
And the father told him, It would be a stain on your body !
He pleaded with his father, Dad, please, please, just a Cartoon Character on the belly ?
And after many hours of discussion the father gave in and decided to let him.
After all, he was a young man with his own freedom of choice ...
and the father thought ...
a Cartoon Character ...
(http://img62.imageshack.us/img62/3113/ciddf98a274c8a0458482c3.jpg) (http://img62.imageshack.us/i/ciddf98a274c8a0458482c3.jpg/)
Uploaded with ImageShack.us (http://imageshack.us)
is probably not so bad !
-
A man owned a small ranch near San Antonio. The Texas Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board.
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board. But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"That would be me," replied the rancher.
-
A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky
Clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said. 'Because
you
have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can
ride
over anytime I want.'
The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.
The Lord replied;
'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
-
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
-
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today. The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to
himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir.. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter he said,
"I think this green is gonna break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said,
"No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left"
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.
He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?"
The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop and the other is serving as President."
-
Loving wife:
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he
finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets
on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent
a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates
you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll
kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in
my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we
had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.
I love you too.'
-
I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous !
(http://i783.photobucket.com/albums/yy113/Automatic_PWNage/Random%20Anime/doctor.jpg)
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional -
I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
I said, "I think my penis tastes funny..."
-
Sumbitch……………
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy,
the only redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters
and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who
has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud
splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was
jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head
butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator
through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and
the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the
gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then
slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in
disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool.
-
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~*
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells ... 'THEIRS'?
-
I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point. The
last question was:
"Where do most women have curly hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is: Africa. I've been asked to find another
place to worship....
-
Why Italians pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying
He calls his grandson to his bedside... " Guido, I wan' you lissina me.
I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always
remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your
Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you
gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple
of bambinos.
Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man...
Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"
-
The Italian Nursing Home
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather (Abuelo we'll call him Nitro) in a nursing home.
All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.
'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful, says grandpa.
'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you.
You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'
'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents.
Abuelo says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old.
He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'
'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the
bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!'
'There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years
and everyone still calls him Doctor!'
'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican'
-
$280,000 Mortgage.
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 and your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a
Suitcase.
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him;
'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were
pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage
and no bike!
-
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He said, 'I found the remote'.
-
My First Condom
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or
so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Levin ' s pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the
package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered,
' No, this is my first time. '
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight
and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked
all around the store to see if it were empty. It was empty. ' Just a
minute, ' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it..
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it
aside. Do these excite you? ' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod
my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was
slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down
on a desk. ' Well, come on ' , she said, ' We don ' t have much
time.. '
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a
few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ' Did you put that
condom on? ' she asked. I said, ' I sure did, ' and held up my thumb to
show her.
She then beat the shit out of me.......
-
Dog Sitter
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbor’s male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me" he replied.
-
SOUTHERN DEBUTANTE BALL
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore
leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note
from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante
Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried
officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should
arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern
conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts
of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews Please."
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a
polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four
handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself
together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never
makes mistakes."
-
Condom Facts
In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine . :lube:
In 1873 the British (except Easycompany) somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. :ky:
-
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decide to go to college. Bubba goes first, and he is advised to take maths, history and logic.
-- "What's logic?" says Bubba.
-- "Well, let me give you an example," says the professor. "Do you own a tractor?"
-- "Sure do," says Bubba.
-- "Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard."
-- "That's real good," says Bubba, in awe.
-- "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?"
-- "Gawly!” says Bubba.
-- "And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, the odds are that you have a wife. Right?"
-- "Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
-- "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual. Is that right?"
-- "You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, goes back into the hallway where Cooter is waiting.
-- "So what classes are ya takin’?" says Cooter.
-- "Maths, history and logic," says Bubba.
-- "What in tarnation is logic?"
-- "Let me give you an example," says Bubba. "Do you own a tractor?"
-- "No."
-- "Then you’re a faggot."
-
/\ ahaha
A young Arab asks his father:
- What is this weird hat that we are wearing ?
- It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun !
- And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?
- It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !
- And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?
- These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !
- Tell me, papa...
- Yes, my son ?
- ... Why are we living in Canada and still wearing all this shit ?
-
Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
Ever since
I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the fuckin' legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
FORGET THE SHRINKS...
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
-
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin,
the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and flirting..
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and thecroc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said, 'I just want the bastard who pushed me in!
-
YOU FAIL EASY!
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin,
the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and flirting..
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and thecroc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said, 'I just want the bastard who pushed me in!
Sumbitch……………
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy,
the only redneck in the neighborhood.
*Rest of the joke*
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool.
-
Well i`m not going to look at every joke that has been put in this thread am i?!?!? :suicide: :zomg: :crybaby:
-
* I live next door to an Arab couple and they have challenged me to a water fight in the back yard. They have 3 little kids. So, I am writing this to kill time until the water boils.
* There’s a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagin.
* Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9 yr. old boy living in Namibia . He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day, he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty old bike with a bent wheel, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – it's fucking hilarious!
* Been to the optometrist today – he told me I was color blind. Now I'm fuckin' worried that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?
-
A man (we'll call him misfit) was lying in bed with his new
girlfriend (older heavy set squeeze who claims to follow her God yet eagerly enters into an extramarital affair with this strapping young man and doesn't feel the sin is immoral).
After having great sex (trying for an hour to get it up, then just snuggle for a while) ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
"Because ..." She Replied .... "I Really Miss Mine"
A California Texas Love Story
-
(This could very easily been Balthazar)
I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us
and she immediately dropped to her knees
and laid on the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
"These taser guns are well worth the money." mischievous
-
ROFL! ^^
-
Haha that ownz :danceroll:
-
THREE DOGS AT THE VET...
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said >> " So why are you here ? "
The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.... the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "
" Gonna cut my balls off " came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ?"
The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.
" Looks like I'm losing my balls too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here?
" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.
I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, they are gonna cut your balls off too, huh ?"
The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "
-
A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The redneck nodded in acknowledgment .
As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts!'
-
Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very miscschievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life......
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became aheavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy after life. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere ."
I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again.
"You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
-
In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in Louisville, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache".
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”
! The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.
-
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large
plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back
and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the Golf course.
On Golf days, a lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays.
-
Anti-joke time.
Q. What's the best thing about having sex with forty-two year olds?
A. They've been around a while and know how to make a man feel good
-
Anti-joke time.
Q. What's the best thing about having sex with forty two year olds?
A. They've been around a while and know how to make a man feel good
Actually two year olds haven't been around awhile, they're kind of young; oh yeah and you are some perv to post that Xtasy, especially talking about having sex with FORTY of them. Who votes to label Xtasy "The Perv"?
-
I think he may have been referring to Mean Green from about 20 years ago. I'm sure Misfit enjoyed it.
-
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating shelled peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned
to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became
worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's' date said he
could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down,
then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to
blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law.'
-
The Mexican Maid
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Se?, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did"
Wife increasingly agitated:
"Oh he did did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Se?...... The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
-
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.
Little Harry raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Harry, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Harry said: 'Well, I walked into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The Nun fainted! :angel:
-
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford...
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft
drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there
is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the
most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
-
A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Montreal.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mom" said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says "Lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.
-
Hunting Story
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do you think about that Doc ?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'
'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied , 'My point exactly '
-
was a good'n :laugh:
-
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns
Dear Twilight fans, (Balthazar)
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood
pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming . Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
Dear J.K. Rowling, (Dempy)
Your books are entirely unrealistic.. I mean, a ginger kid with
two friends?
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Dear Yahoo ,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo it!" I'm
just saying......
Sincerely,
Google
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black?
WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985
Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
United States
Dear World of Warcraft, (CP)
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman
Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely,
Al Gore
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there
Because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy
ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
Dear Snooki,
GET BACK TO WORK!
Sincerely,
Willy Wonka
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words.
You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore
-
An old flame...
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everyth ing is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to fuck off.
-
A Cowboy walked into a drug store in Waco, Texas and asked to talk to a
male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as
she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help him. The cowpoke said that it was
something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male
pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional,
and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident
that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalis m.
The cowboy then agreed and began by saying ....... "This is tough for
me to discuss, but I have a .... Permanent Erection. It causes me a lot of
problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could
give me for it."
The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said "We discussed it at length, and the absolute
best we can do is as follows:
One-third ownership in the store
A company pickup truck
Two home cooked dinners a week
And $3,000 a month in living expenses."
-
A man from St Andrews , Fife buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant..
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure,
Brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.
Whoops!
-
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers .
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
______________ ______________ _______
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
______________ ______________ _______
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
______________ ______________ _______
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
______________ ______________ ______
My personal favorite
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
______________ ______________ _______
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
______________ ______________ _______
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
______________ ______________ _______
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
______________ ______________ _______
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206.. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience) : "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
______________ ______________ _______
While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
-
Always love those kind of control conversations.
-
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are
off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but
comfortable compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine
inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing
me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
-
Green Bay Packers Question
After the Packers v. Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback Trent Edwards.
During the Packers v. Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb.
Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.
During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick
and another backup was needed.
After the Packers v. Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips.
After the Packers v. Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress.
Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach, Mike Singletary, was fired and replaced.
During the Bears playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears
to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie.
Question:
Is it just me, or did the Packers create more jobs than Obama last year?
-
Dad (we'll call him Jim, a wealthy man from Texas) buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son (we'll call him Kevin), where were you today?"
The son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!"
"What dvd?"
"Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
Dad yells "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!"
Robot then slaps the dad! Mom (we'll call her MG) laughs
"HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son."
Robot (you must have guessed we'll call him Misfit)then slaps the mom!!!
-
the deceiver
-
Dating -
WHITE WOMEN:
First date:
You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date:
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date:
You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN:
First Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date:
You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date:
You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date:
You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary:
You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary:
You find yourself a Mistress.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date:
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date:
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date:
You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date:
Meet her parents.
Second date:
Set the date of the wedding.
Third date:
Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN:
First Date:
You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date:
You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date:
You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date:
She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date:
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have
sex in the back of her car.
Second Date:
She's pregnant.
Third Date:
She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date:
You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date:
You take a loan to keep the image
Third Date:
You're broke, she finds someone wealthier
ARAB WOMEN:
First Date:
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles,
Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date:
You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.
(No third date)
The POINT?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?
-
The State Trooper
A state trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young
man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps
on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And
her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a
lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The trooper asks: 'And her.... what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...'
-
Something to offend everyone
______________ ______________ ______________ __________
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.
I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”
______________ ______________ ______________ __________
Wife says to husband, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to
work, we can get rid of the second car.”
He replies, “If you take it up the ass and let me cum on your face, we can get
rid of the nanny!”
______________ ______________ ______________ __________
What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn’t claim benefits,
had his own fucking bike , and wanted to go home!
______________ ______________ ______________ __________
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked
my wife after only five beers!”
______________ ______________ ______________ __________
Got this text from my brother recently.
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
______________ ______________ ______________ ____________
* Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the
front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
______________ ______________ ______________ __________
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up
for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you
hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
______________ ______________ ______________ __________
My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.
”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when
you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
______________ ______________ ______________ __________
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a g irl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
______________ ______________ ______________ ___________
The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think
about me?” Apparently “ Only to stop myself from coming too quickly ”
wasn’t the right answer.
______________ ______________ ______________ __________
-
(http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRVG6zxyfHEhfGsQSrrn0WETK1C6TmSHlN0ewGx4zh2j93vRTeIKA)
-
An Italian MaMa
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear MaMa,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son
Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
-
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. "You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high.
-
what's black, white and red???
The test paper that was under Ricardo after Beatle raped him
-
A 5-year-old boy (we'll call him little Hellraiser) went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh
... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started
Adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
-
This pretty much sums up my day at work. Hint, I'm the white one.
http://www.youtube.com/v/fIbuQvtWHuU?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0
-
This pretty much sums up my day at work. Hint, I'm the white one.
Hey man, why you gotta be like that. Racism is not cool.
-
Here's a short one, dumb maybe, but oh well...
I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us. She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought, Man, "These Taser guns are well worth the money".
-
/\ :laugh:
A tough looking group of bikers were riding
when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge,
so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss
an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump why
don't you give me a kiss?" So she does... And it was a long,
deep, passionate, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best
kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You
could
be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........"
The authorities think she may have been pushed.
-
don't use drugs and anyway see the topic name JOKE SPAM get it JOKE SPAM so I MADE A JOKE SPAM do you see the big picture yet?
If you do Congrats at least your not a total dumb person who can't understand jokes and spamming. (I am not being mean just making a point and the last part is just another spam line)
-
Arizonian Hunting Laws
A Michigander and a Arizonan were hunting in the desert when
an illegal alien runs across the border.
The Arizonan takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.
"You can't do that!" cried the Michigander.
"No, no, it's legal here in Arizona " replies the Arizonan.
Later that night the Michigander goes and buys some beer and
puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door.
Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.
The Michigander thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.
As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.
"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Arizona
" protests the Michigander.
"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."
-
A Catholic nun (we'll call her MG) was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.
Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.
Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.
The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid Catholic bitch."
She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-fucker."
-
A Catholic nun (we'll call her MG) was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban (we'll call him Misfit), who was eating fresh shrimp.
Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.
Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.
The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid Catholic bitch."
She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-fucker."
That's funny shit!!!!!!
-
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles !!!
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
:woot:
-
I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few. I noticed two
large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I
asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them chirped, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two
whales from Ireland ?"
That's the last thing I remember...
-
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He
was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just
like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything
to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came
into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use
an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but
eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. AFTER FEELING THE
NURSE INSERT THE THERMOMETER, HE HEARD HER ANNOUNCE "I HAVE TO GET
SOMETHING. NOW YOU STAY JUST LIKE THAT UNTIL I GET BACK!"
SHE LEFT THE DOOR TO HIS ROOM OPEN ON HER WAY OUT. HE CURSED UNDER HIS
BREATH AS HE HEARD PEOPLE WALKING PAST HIS DOOR, LAUGHING...
After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room. "What's
going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever
seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed... "Not with a Daffodil"!
-
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of
your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied: "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!", the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Johnny said: "Well, I walked into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night.
Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm
coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The Nun fainted!
-
David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
# 1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways.
-
There ain't no corners to drive by and no 5 O to chase a nigga.
The engine budget went making the car hop higher you feel me.
Rolled round 20 cars not one has a sterio to steal.
There ain't no damn cup holder for my 40.
The wheels are spinning too fast the bitches can't see my trims yall.
-
Oh I get it, the joke is that you're bat-shit insane.
Or retarded.
-
Oh I get it, the joke is that you're bat-shit insane.
Or retarded.
or very high AND drunk.
-
God! I want to make love to you both now
-
God! I want to make love to you both now
That confirms it, stoned and drunk... Damn man it's 1am there, go to bed and sleep it off.
-
A Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving he sits down, and the nurse says,
"Congratulation s, your wife has had quints, 5 big baby boys."
The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."
The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are black."
-
He got 0% in Exam
This Student obtained 0% on an exam, even though his answers were literally correct!
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
-
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Napoleon didn't die in battle, hence the reason he got a 0%.
-
Norman and Barry got married in California .
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Norman 's Mom and
Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Norman 's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom
if Norman and Barry are up yet. She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Norman and Barry up
yet?' She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Norman came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue.'
-
I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you’re still black'
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!
A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I’m going to take that.'
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in that basket.’
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
-
I think this video qualifies as a joke:
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=432_1342825967
-
That is fucking genius.
-
That was indeed funny. :imacarrot:
-
I think this video qualifies as a joke:
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=432_1342825967
Histerical, it's like watching "The Birds" nowadays.
-
My wife says to me the other night
"How come we don't make love like they do
in the movies?”
So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, grabbed
her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she’d be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came on her face....
Turns out we don't watch the same movies.
-
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in Alabama,
I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco,
where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection,"
the nurse told me.
"I haven't got an erection," I replied.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
-
When you are over sixty who gives a...........?
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There 's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I 'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling herboobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
***********
-
NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged-up-cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said ....
"Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!"
-
Texas man Stops Grizzly with 25 Caliber Handgun
This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy 25 caliber handgun by a woman against a fierce predator.
While hiking in Alberta Canada Misfit with his sugar mommy were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at them from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. Misfit states that "If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today! Just one shot to MeanGreen's knee cap was all it took…….the bear got her and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace."
-
Please stop with the bad jokes.
-
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.
A passing hobo (we'll call him Dune Surfer) stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
-
Walt Disney's new film called "Coal Black," the non-racist version of "Snow White," has been put on hold.
All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Pimp, and Thug have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because they say it
offends black prostitutes.
They also say (without giving a reason) they have no intention of singing "It's off to work we go."
-
1. A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous younger brothers.”
2. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
3. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
4. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Bugger it, soldier on!”
5. I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on
the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
7. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
8. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
9. A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
-
The last one sounds like Balthazar :zomg:
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
~ ~ ~
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"
~ ~ ~
I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.
~ ~ ~
Sorry for not calling you on New Year’s, but I just got out of jail. I was locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick in.
~ ~ ~
My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going.
"I said to her, 'Judging by the look on your face, you're going, 'cus when you're coming you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"
~ ~ ~
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny. Is that spooky or what?
~ ~ ~
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?"
Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
~ ~ ~
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, "Fuck that! Knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
~ ~ ~
I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny."
~ ~ ~
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Then I realized that she is a dyslexic bitch and that she was trying to say she loves Alan, my best friend.
~ ~ ~
A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "No! No! Don't enter that church, you damn fool."
His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"
Husband replies, "Our wedding video."
~ ~ ~
I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she said. "Here, use my iPad."
That fuckin' spider never knew what hit it.
~ ~ ~
I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform, but she says she doesn't like it. She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.
-
The Northerner's son graduated from college and was
offered a good job, but it was in the deep South.
Dad, a liberal Democrat, was worried about his son
going off to such a strange land and he warned him to avoid
entanglements with southern women.
"They can't cook the kind of food we
northerners eat, they won't keep the house clean,
they don't like sex, and if you marry one, she'll
call you a 'Damn Yankee' the rest of your life.
"
After a few months, the son telephoned Dad and told him
he had just met a wonderful Southern girl, and thought he
was in love with her.
Dad repeated his warnings about Southern women and
their shortcomings.
After another couple of months, the son called Dad and
told him he and his Southern girl were getting married. Dad
just moaned and groaned and repeated his warnings.
Two more months go by and son telephones
Dad......"Dad, you were wrong. My wife is a great cook,
keeps the house neat as a pin, and she absolutely loves
sex."
Dad responded, "Well, what about the fourth thing
-- her calling you a Damn Yankee?"
"Oh, we reached an agreement on
that. She won't call me a Damn Yankee, and I
won't call her a Nigger.
-
An elderly couple was watching a
Discovery Channel special about
a West African bush tribe whose
men all had penises 24 inches
long. When the black male reaches a
certain age, a string is tied around
his manhood and on the other end
is a weight. After a while, the
weight stretches it to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband
was getting out of the shower,
his wife looked at him and said,
"How about we try the African
string and weight procedure?”
The husband agreed and they
tied a string and a weight to
his willy. A few days later,
the wife asked the husband,
"How is our little Tribal
experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about
half way there," he replied. "Wow,
you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black." O0
-
1. A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NOOOO, you said that might hurt!"
2. I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough! But I spend 50 bucks on a blow job for myself and she goes fucking nuts!!! Women, I just can't figure them out!.
3. A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either but this is a beaver, not a fucking photo-copier."
4. Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?" His father says, "We are making you a little brother." The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"
5. "I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister in law."
6. Dear Dr. Phil: I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded, watching me. Is she a fucking pervert or what?
-
Muslim Book Store
I was walking through the mall, and noticed a Muslim book store. Out of curiosity, I went on in.
A bearded tall male clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me (I imagine I didn't look like the normal clientele). I asked him if they had a copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims.
The clerk growled, “Fuck off. Get out, and stay out!”
I said, “Yes, that's the one! Do you have that in paperback?
-
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.
After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it
was time for the star of the show - Claude Misfit the Hypnotist !
Claude Misfit explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude Misfit.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude Misfit carefully withdrew, from
his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude Misfit, holding the watch
high for all to see.
"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for
six Generations," said Claude Misfit.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
" SHIT ! ! ! ! ! " said Claude Misfit.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center
and
Claude Misfit was never invited there again.
Better \M/?
-
NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING JOKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
or do they...
i like the ones with "vicki" inserted in the names
-
NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING JOKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahem: If I may quote " and now the jokes on you " :spank:
-
"4 Worms In Church"
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . .Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive …
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!