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[*MAFIA* Manowar]

My First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or   
so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Levin ' s pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the   
counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the   
package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered,

' No, this is my first time. '

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and   
slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight   
and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked   
all around the store to see if it were empty. It was empty. ' Just a   
minute, ' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it..

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,   
unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it   
aside. Do these excite you? ' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod   
my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was   
slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down   
on a desk. ' Well, come on ' , she said, ' We don ' t have much   
time.. '

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that   
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a   

few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ' Did you put that   
condom on? ' she asked. I said, ' I sure did, ' and held up my thumb to   
show her.

She then beat the shit out of me.......

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

Dog Sitter

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbor’s male dog while they were away on vacation.   She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.  I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me" he replied.

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

SOUTHERN DEBUTANTE BALL




           A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore
leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note
from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

           "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante
Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried
officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should
arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern
conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts
of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews Please."

           At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a
polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four
handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself
together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

           "No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never
makes mistakes."

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

Condom Facts
 
In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine . 

In 1873 the British (except Easycompany) somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. 

[*MAFIA* Meeester]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decide to go to college. Bubba goes first, and he is advised to take maths, history and logic.

-- "What's logic?" says Bubba.
-- "Well, let me give you an example," says the professor. "Do you own a tractor?"
-- "Sure do," says Bubba.
-- "Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard."
-- "That's real good," says Bubba, in awe.
-- "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?"
-- "Gawly!” says Bubba.
-- "And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, the odds are that you have a wife. Right?"
-- "Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
-- "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual. Is that right?"
-- "You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to take this here logic class!"
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, goes back into the hallway where Cooter is waiting.
-- "So what classes are ya takin’?" says Cooter.
-- "Maths, history and logic," says Bubba.
-- "What in tarnation is logic?"
-- "Let me give you an example," says Bubba. "Do you own a tractor?"
-- "No."
-- "Then you’re a faggot."

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

/\ ahaha



A young Arab asks his father:

- What is this weird hat that we are wearing ?

-  It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun !

-  And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?

-  It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !

-  And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?

-  These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !

-  Tell me, papa...

-  Yes, my son ?

-  ... Why are we living in Canada and still wearing all this shit ?
   

[EaSyCoMpAnY]

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders



Ever since

I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the fuckin' legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

FORGET THE SHRINKS...

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

[EaSyCoMpAnY]

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.  He also invited Colin,
the  only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and  flirting..
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.  Both Colin and thecroc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.  The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.  How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.  That was amazing.   How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said, 'I just want the bastard who pushed me in!

[*MAFIA* Meeester]

YOU FAIL EASY!

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.  He also invited Colin,
the  only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and  flirting..
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.  Both Colin and thecroc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.  The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.  How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.  That was amazing.   How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said, 'I just want the bastard who pushed me in!

Sumbitch……………


A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy,
the only redneck in the neighborhood. 

*Rest of the joke*

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool.

[EaSyCoMpAnY]

Well i`m not going to look at every joke that has been put in this thread am i?!?!?   

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

* I live next door to an Arab couple and they have challenged me to a water fight in the back yard.  They have 3 little kids. So, I am writing this to kill time until the water boils.

 
* There’s a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagin.

 
* Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9 yr. old boy living in Namibia . He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day, he has to ride 7 miles to school along a  narrow road on a rusty old bike with a bent wheel, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – it's fucking hilarious! 


* Been to the optometrist today – he told me I was color blind. Now I'm fuckin' worried that some of my buddies could be black.  If you are, can you delete my e-mail address? 

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

A man (we'll call him misfit) was lying in bed with his new girlfriend (older heavy set squeeze who claims to follow her God yet eagerly enters into an extramarital affair with this strapping young man and doesn't feel the sin is immoral). 

After having great sex (trying for an hour to get it up, then just snuggle for a while) ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ...  Something she just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
 
"Because ..." She Replied ....  "I Really Miss Mine"

A California Texas Love Story 

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

(This could very easily been Balthazar)

I met a girl in the park the other evening.

There was an instant spark between us
and she immediately dropped to her knees
and laid on the grass at my feet.

As we lay making love, I thought
"These taser guns are well worth the money."   

[*MAFIA* Drackonfyre]

ROFL! ^^

[TheMichael]

Haha that ownz