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[*MAFIA* Manowar]

That is right thunder,and England are crap atm... we cound not score in a brothel....

I'll give it a "shot"  (pun intended) . Is the address  22 Acacia Avenue?     

[EaSyCoMpAnY]

A son siad to  his father, Dad, I would like to have a tattoo.


The father told him No, nobody has one in our family ... and you are not having one. 
He asked his father, Why not ? All my friends have a tattoo ! 

And the father told him, It would be a stain on your body !
He pleaded with his father, Dad, please, please, just a Cartoon Character on the belly ?

And after many hours of discussion the father gave in and decided to let him. 
After all, he was a young man with his own freedom of choice ...
and the father thought ...
a Cartoon Character ... 





Uploaded with ImageShack.us

is probably not so bad ! 

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

A man owned a small ranch near San Antonio. The Texas Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board.

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board. But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.

"That would be me," replied the rancher.

[EaSyCoMpAnY]

A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky
Clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said. 'Because
you
have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'


The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can
ride
over anytime I want.'

The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.

The Lord replied;

'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

 
 
 

[EaSyCoMpAnY]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" 



"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

 

 
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

 

"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course.  What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies.  If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.  The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.

He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to

himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir.. Use your 3 wood.  A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

 As the golfer pulled out his putter he said,

 "I think this green is gonna break left to right."

The robot then again spoke up and said,
"No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left"

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.

 He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.  But his luck didn't end there.  His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?"
 
The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots.  See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots.  We had too many complaints."

"COMPLAINTS?  Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance.  It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop and the other is serving as President."

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

Loving wife:

 A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he
 finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a
 chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets
on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen,
 this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent
 a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
 kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do
 whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates
 you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll
 kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
 His wife responds: ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in
 my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we
 had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.
  I love you too.'

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous !
 

 
 
 
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional -
I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
I said, "I think my penis tastes funny..."

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

Sumbitch……………


A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy,
the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters
and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft
man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who
has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud
splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was
jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head
butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator
through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and
the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the
gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then
slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in
disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

 

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool.

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

1.  Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?  Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2.  Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3.  OK ... so if the  Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the  Tampa   Bay  Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee  Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4.  If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5.  There are three religious truths:
      a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
      b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
      c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6.  If people from  Poland  are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7.  If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
8.  Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
9.  Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10.  Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11.  If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*
12.  If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13.  Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?   
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14.  What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15.  I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16.  I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?  Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17.  Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~*
18.  If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19.  You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21.  Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22.  If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
23.  Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
24.  At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells   ... 'THEIRS'?

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point. The
last question was:
"Where do most women have curly hair?"
 
 

Apparently the correct answer is:  Africa.   I've been asked to find another
place to worship....

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

Why Italians pass their handguns down through the family.
 
An old Italian man is dying
 
He calls his grandson to his bedside... " Guido, I wan' you lissina me.
 
I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always
remember me."
 
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your
Rolex watch instead?"
 
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you
gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple
of bambinos.
 
Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man...
 
Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

The Italian Nursing Home


A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather (Abuelo we'll call him Nitro) in a nursing home.

All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.

'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful, says grandpa.

'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you.
You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'

'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents.

Abuelo says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old.
He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'

'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the
bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!'

'There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years
and everyone still calls him Doctor!'

'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican'

[EaSyCoMpAnY]

$280,000 Mortgage.


For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 and your mother just lost her job.

There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a
Suitcase.

So he asked,   'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him;
'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were
pulling out.


Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage
and no bike!

 

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
 
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'.