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Author Topic: joke spam  (Read 41992 times)

*MAFIA* Manowar

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joke spam
« on: August 21, 2008, 06:11:57 AM »

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'

Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

 


 


 
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . .. please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'


 
 

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they car ry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
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702

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2008, 11:24:55 PM »

Where the hell do you get all these jokes?
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #2 on: August 23, 2008, 07:42:29 AM »

Where the hell do you get all these jokes?
Most of them are from e-mails.
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*MAFIA* Meeester

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2009, 06:49:23 PM »

Just spam from the front page, but I found this funny as hell

Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way. On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it. He is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core. He asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window.

After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said he had looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit him in the eye. So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says that he was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head! Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach lauging his head off! The three ask him what's so funny? The man replies, I farted and that building exploded!
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*MAFIA* ExcoWear

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2009, 09:47:00 AM »

THIS HEADQUARTERS REQUIRES NO PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM. Everyone here gets enough exercise:

1) Jumping to conclusions.
2) Flying off the handle.
3) Carrying things too far.
4) Dodging responsibiliti es and
5) Pushing their luck.
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2009, 10:16:20 AM »

TWO GUYS IN LOWE'S


  Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.


The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'.


The young guy say s, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
 
The old guy sa ys, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your  wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs , and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra..What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'
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*MAFIA* Meeester

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2009, 03:27:35 PM »

An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor. "Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. "How're you feeling?" he asks. "I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain." The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well.

One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?" "Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #7 on: January 20, 2009, 09:13:40 AM »

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and  working in the family business.
 
 When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his  sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his  fortune.
 
 One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most  beautiful woman he had ever seen.  Her natural beauty took his breath  away.
 
 "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to  her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200  million!"
 
 Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days  later, she became his stepmother.
 
 Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #8 on: January 21, 2009, 09:19:46 AM »


2009 Raiders schedule and rules
 GO RAIDERS!

 September
 13.... Taft Junior High School
 20.....Cub Scout Troop #101
 27.... Oakland Blind Academy

 October
 04.....Spanish American War Vets
 11.....Cripple d Children's Home
 18.... Oakland Mental Hospital
 25....Girl Scout Troop # 353

 November
 01... Oakland Venereal Disease Clinic
 08...Fraser Boys Choir
 15....Korean Amputees
 22... National Hospital Pastoral Ministers
 26... San Francisco Synchronized Swimming Team


 SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME
 December 08............ ...... San Francisco Gay Boys Club


 RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR **

 1 - When playing polio patients, the Raiders must not disconnect knee braces.
 2 - When playing the Blind Academy , the Raiders must not hide the football under their jerseys.

** RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR **

 1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line. For all you Raiders fans that have never seen this) it is still worth 6 points.
 2 - The Raiders will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
 3 - The Raiders will be allowed to substitute with band members at anytime.
 4 - The Raiders will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the opposing team.
 5 - The Raiders will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual 10 yards.

** NAME CHANGE **

The Oakland Raiders will be changed to the "Oakland Tampons" as they are only good for one period and have no second string.

** PLAYER CHANGE **
 Field goal kicker will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won't choke on the big ones!!!
 

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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2009, 08:06:53 AM »

Two fleas from Canada had an agreement to meet every winter in Yuma for a vacation.
 
Last year when one flea gets to Yuma , he's all blue, shivering and shaking, nearly froze to death!
The other flea asks him, 'What happened to you?'
 
The first flea says, 'I rode down here from Regina, Saskatchewan in the moustache of a guy on a Harley.'
The other flea responds saying, 'That's the worst way to travel.
 
Try what I do. Go  to the Plains Hotel Bar in Regina, have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice snowbird, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of.'
 
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
 A year goes by..... When the first flea shows up in Yuma , he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Nearly froze to death.
 
The second flea says, 'Didn't you try what I told you?'
 
'Yes,' says the first flea, 'I did exactly as you said ... I went to the Plains bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young snowbird came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm  that I fell asleep immediately.
 
 When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley.
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #10 on: January 26, 2009, 07:40:44 AM »

As men age,  we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its
employees,  which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and 
Therapists ETC. And in this case a new Urologist for  me.
 
My family  Doctor just recently referred me to a just out of medical school 
female urologist.
I saw her yesterday, and  she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as
unbelievably  sexy.  She told me  that I must stop  masturbating.
 
I asked her  why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine  you......"
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Hawaii-50

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2009, 06:03:04 AM »

As men age,  we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its
employees,  which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and 
Therapists ETC. And in this case a new Urologist for  me.
 
My family  Doctor just recently referred me to a just out of medical school 
female urologist.
I saw her yesterday, and  she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as
unbelievably  sexy.  She told me  that I must stop  masturbating.
 
I asked her  why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine  you......"

   
 
     
       Hahahahaha .............. .............. .... good  one  Manowhore !!   
« Last Edit: January 27, 2009, 07:53:21 AM by Hawaii-50 »
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #12 on: January 28, 2009, 09:43:45 AM »

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.  Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife.  Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said,  'Of course, sir.  Do you know where your wife might be?''

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #13 on: January 29, 2009, 01:20:32 PM »

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of
Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

                When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, The man said: 'Father .... During World War II, a beautiful
Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and
asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic.'

                The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you
did, and you have no need to confess that.'

  'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

                The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what
you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under
those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

                'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
  I do have one more question.'

         'And what is that?' asked the priest.

                'Should I tell her the war is over?''
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #14 on: January 30, 2009, 10:06:59 AM »

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's  only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$390,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking  $2,950,000' for it.

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $2,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $150,000 if it's really   a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in   astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
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