Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

If  you remember the Original Hollywood  Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These  great questions and answers are from the days when "  Hollywood  Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as  they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of  course..

 Q.  Do  female frogs croak?   
 A.  Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long  enough.   
 
 Q.If  you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should  you be?
A.  Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.   
 
 Q.  True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000  years.   
  A.  George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.   
 
 Q.You've  been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a  woman?
A.  Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.   
 
 Q.  According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and  you  think  that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's  married?
A.  Rose Marie: No; wait until morning. 

 Q.Which  of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?   
 A.  Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

 Q.  In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love  You"?   
 A.  Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a  twenty.

 Q.As  you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your  hands while talking?
A.  Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter,  and I'll give you a gesture you'll never  forget.   
 
 Q. Paul, why  do Hell's Angel s wear leather?   
 A.  Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.   
 
 Q.Charley,  you've just decided to grow strawberries.  Are you going to  get any during the first year?
A.  Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing  strawberr ies.

 Q. In  bowling, what's a perfect score?   
 A.  Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

 Q.  It is  considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist  camps.  One is politics, what is the  other?   
 A.  Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

 Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the  closet?   
 A.  Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the  bedroom.

 Q. Can boys  join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.  Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

 Q. When you  pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.  What will a  goose do?   
 A.  Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

 Q.If you  were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?   
 A.  Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the  dark.

 Q. According  to Ann Land ers, is there anything wrong with getting into the  habit of kissing a lot of people?   
 A...  Charley Weaver: It got me out of the  army.   

 
 Q.  It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?   
 A.  Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't  neglected.   
 
 Q.Back  in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,  what was he trying to do?
A.  George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

 Q.  Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your  elephant?   
 A.  Paul Lynde: Who told you about my  elephant?   
 
 Q.When  a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?   
 A.  Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to  him.

 Q.  Jackie  Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has  actually seen them on at least two occasions.  What are they?   
 A.  Charley Weaver: His feet.   
 
 Q.  According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do  in bed?   
 A.  Paul Lynde: Point and laugh 
 

[Head Hunter]

For someone who makes $250 an hour from tax's you seem to moan about them alot. Is it because the zero button keeps wearing out on your calculator 

You say that, but you aren't living in the Obamanation, now are you? 

[*MAFIA* Dune Surfer]

You say that, but you aren't living in the Obamanation, now are you? 

It must weigh down on you hard huh? LIke you have to pay taxes, your only 15  Obamas only been president for a month now its not his fault Bush fucked up your economy.

[*MAFIA* Bonehead]

mg will soon cry when her money is worthless. rofl

i know what you mean duny baby

[Head Hunter]

.

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

                David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why
 there are no black NASCAR drivers:
                 
                 # 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
                 
                 # 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
                 
                 # 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
               
                 # 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
             
                 # 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
                 
                 # 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
                 
                 # 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
               
                 # 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
               
                 # 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
                 
               AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN
                 NASCAR........ ......
               
                 
               
                #1 -They can't wear their helmets sideways.

[*MAFIA* Beatlejuice]

Racist

[*MAFIA* Bonehead]

so are you...

[*MAFIA* MAGGOT]

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

[*MAFIA* Dune Surfer]

LOL Maggot

I've got a similar one.

God says to St. Peter: "OK we've got 30 Gipsies that have died and are arriving today I want you to go to the Pearly Gates and let only 10 of the best of them in and thats it"

St. Peter comes back an hour later saying "I don't understand it, they've all gone?"

God says "All 30 of them?"

"No, The Pearly Gates"

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

Airline Announcements?


United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

*************************************


On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

*************************************


'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

*************************************


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.'  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.   

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

***************************************


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella,  WHOA!'

*******************************************


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

*************************************


Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:  'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

*************************************


Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day:  During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .  Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

***********************************


'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

***********************************


'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses......e xcept for that gentleman over there.'

******************************************


Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City .  The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

****************************************


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

****************************************


Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

****************************************


Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

****************************************


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport .  After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles .  The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'  Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry i f I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing.  You should see the back of mine!'

[*MAFIA* Manowar]

In South Los Angeles , a fourplex was destroyed by a fire.
 
A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
 
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
 
Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.
 
One white couple lived on the top floor.
The couple survived the fire.
 
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA, met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
 
The fire chief said,
 
"Simple---  they were away at work."

[*MAFIA* Hellraiser]

In South Los Angeles , a fourplex was destroyed by a fire.
 
A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
 
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
 
Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.
 
One white couple lived on the top floor.
The couple survived the fire.
 
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA, met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
 
The fire chief said,
 
"Simple---  they were away at work."

  That is fucking great!!!  I love it!

[*MAFIA* Dune Surfer]

Bloke says to his buddy "I got so wasted last night. Drunk 12 cans of Stella, was totally skint so I came home and had another Stella"

Buddy goes "How? I thought you said you were skint"

"Its not that, my dogs called Stella"

[*MAFIA* Hellraiser]

Bloke says to his buddy "I got so wasted last night. Drunk 12 cans of Stella, was totally skint so I came home and had another Stella"

Buddy goes "How? I thought you said you were skint"

"Its not that, my dogs called Stella"

  I honestly have no idea what this means......