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Author Topic: joke spam  (Read 78952 times)

*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #345 on: August 16, 2012, 06:23:41 AM »

My wife says to me the other night

"How come we don't make love like they do

in the movies?”

So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, grabbed

her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she’d be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came on her face....

Turns out we don't watch the same movies.
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Ultimate embarrassment, running into a wall with a boner and breaking your nose first.

*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #346 on: September 28, 2012, 09:27:24 AM »

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in Alabama,
I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco,
where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection,"
the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #347 on: December 18, 2012, 10:32:47 AM »

When you are over sixty who gives a...........?                                                         
 
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There 's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I 'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling herboobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, “Yesterday."
 
***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
 
***********
 
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

***********
 
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #348 on: January 25, 2013, 02:01:09 PM »

NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged-up-cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said ....
"Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!"
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #349 on: March 05, 2013, 09:26:34 AM »

Texas man Stops Grizzly with 25 Caliber Handgun

This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy 25 caliber handgun by a woman against a fierce predator.

While hiking in Alberta Canada Misfit with his sugar mommy were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at them from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. Misfit states that "If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today! Just one shot to MeanGreen's knee cap was all it took…….the bear got her and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace."
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*MAFIA* MisfiT

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #350 on: April 30, 2013, 01:57:05 PM »

Please stop with the bad jokes.
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #351 on: June 25, 2013, 01:32:06 PM »

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.
A passing hobo (we'll call him Dune Surfer) stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #352 on: August 28, 2013, 06:39:49 AM »

Walt Disney's new film called "Coal Black," the non-racist version of "Snow White," has been put on hold.
 All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Pimp, and Thug have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because they say it
offends black prostitutes.
They also say (without giving a reason) they have no intention of singing  "It's off to work we go."
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #353 on: November 04, 2013, 01:39:03 AM »

1. A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous younger brothers.”

2. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

3. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

4. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Bugger it, soldier on!”

5. I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on
the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

7. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

8. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

9. A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"

"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #354 on: August 07, 2014, 07:06:43 AM »

The last one sounds like Balthazar  :zomg:

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
 
~ ~ ~
 
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"
 
~ ~ ~
 
I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.
 
~ ~ ~
 
Sorry for not calling you on New Year’s, but I just got out of jail. I was locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick in.
 
~ ~ ~
 
My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going.
 
"I said to her, 'Judging by the look on your face, you're going, 'cus when you're coming you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"
 
~ ~ ~
 
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny. Is that spooky or what?
 
~ ~ ~
 
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?"
 
Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
 
~ ~ ~
 
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, "Fuck that! Knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
 
~ ~ ~
 
I  went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't  worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.
 
I  said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny."
 
~ ~ ~
 
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Then I realized that she is a dyslexic bitch and that she was trying to say she loves Alan, my best friend.
 
~ ~ ~
 
A  guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "No! No! Don't enter that church, you damn fool."
 
His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"
 
Husband  replies, "Our wedding video."
 
~ ~ ~
 
I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper."
 
"Don't be silly," she said. "Here, use my iPad."
 
That fuckin' spider never knew what hit it.
 
~ ~ ~
 
I  bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform, but she says she doesn't like it. She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.
 
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #355 on: January 16, 2015, 11:26:10 AM »

 The Northerner's son graduated from college and was
 offered a good job, but it was in the deep South.

 Dad, a liberal Democrat, was worried about his son
 going off to such a strange land and he warned him to avoid
 entanglements with southern women.

 "They can't cook the kind of food we
 northerners eat, they won't keep the house clean,
 they don't like sex, and if you marry one, she'll
 call you a 'Damn Yankee' the rest of your life.
 "

 After a few months, the son telephoned Dad and told him
 he had just met a wonderful Southern girl, and thought he
 was in love with her.

 Dad repeated his warnings about Southern women and
 their shortcomings.

 After another couple of months, the son called Dad and
 told him he and his Southern girl were getting married. Dad
 just moaned and groaned and repeated his warnings.

 Two more months go by and son telephones
 Dad......"Dad, you were wrong. My wife is a great cook,
 keeps the house neat as a pin, and she absolutely loves
 sex."

 Dad responded, "Well, what about the fourth thing
 -- her calling you a Damn Yankee?"

 "Oh, we reached an agreement on
 that. She won't call me a Damn Yankee, and I
 won't call her a Nigger.
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #356 on: April 03, 2015, 01:11:23 PM »

An elderly couple was watching a
Discovery Channel special about
a West African bush tribe whose
men all had penises 24 inches
long. When the black male reaches a
certain age, a string is tied around
his manhood and on the other end
is a weight. After a while, the
weight stretches it to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband
was getting out of the shower,
his wife looked at him and said,
"How about we try the African
string and weight procedure?”

The husband agreed and they
tied a string and a weight to
his willy. A few days later,
the wife asked the husband,
 "How is  our little Tribal
experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about
half way there," he replied. "Wow,
 you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"



"No, it's turned black."    O0
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #357 on: April 28, 2015, 02:07:10 PM »

1. A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NOOOO, you said that might hurt!"
 
 
2. I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough! But I spend 50 bucks on a blow job for myself and she goes fucking nuts!!! Women, I just can't figure them out!.
 
 
3. A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either but this is a beaver, not a fucking photo-copier."
 
 
4. Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?" His father says, "We are making you a little brother." The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"
 
 
5. "I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister in law."
 
 
6. Dear Dr. Phil: I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded, watching me. Is she a fucking pervert or what?
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #358 on: May 18, 2015, 11:21:52 AM »

Muslim Book Store


 
 
I was walking through the mall, and noticed a Muslim book store.  Out of curiosity, I went on in.   
 
A bearded tall male clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me (I imagine I didn't look like the normal clientele).  I asked him if they had a copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims.
 
The clerk growled, “Fuck off. Get out, and stay out!”
 
 
I said, “Yes, that's the one!  Do you have that in paperback?
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*MAFIA* Manowar

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Re: joke spam
« Reply #359 on: June 08, 2015, 08:53:05 AM »

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.
After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it
was time for the star of the show - Claude Misfit the Hypnotist !
  Claude Misfit explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
  "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude Misfit.
  The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude Misfit carefully withdrew, from
his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
  "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude Misfit, holding the watch
high for all to see.
  "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for
six Generations," said Claude Misfit.
  He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch"
  The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
  The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
  A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
  They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
" SHIT ! ! ! ! ! " said Claude Misfit.

  
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center
and
Claude Misfit was never invited there again.


Better \M/?
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